Edumacation

When it came to education, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted. I was going to go to Utah State, and graduate with a BFA in graphic design. It was a done deal--I never thought I would have to question my decision.
Now I've completed 2 years at USU, I'm finished with my generals, I've been accepted into the art department, I've taken all the general art classes needed--and suddenly, I don't know what I want to do. I took a few painting classes, and loved them, but being a painting major just wouldn't work for me. I took a graphic design class and learned a ton about computer programs and how to manipulate them, but I don't know if I can handle staring at a computer screen for the next 3 or more years of my life. It just wasn't what I thought it would be. I barely passed my ceramics class, I can't sculpt to save my life, I don't have an eye for photography, nor would I want it, and I didn't inherit my Dad's talent or interest in landscape design.
I am now considering getting a BA in Art History. It would involve 2 years of a foreign language, directed research, and a lot of analysis writing. I would still be in the art department, so the past two years wouldn't be a waste. It is not, however, a hands-on area of study like painting or graphic design. I love painting--I love getting all messy and watching shapes and colors come to life under my hands. I wouldn't have that experience with art history.
I really enjoyed my high school art history class, and I love learning about the reasons behind the art. I think it would be a good major for me--I read my giant art history book for fun, for goodness sake! I guess I'm just scared that I'll head for art history and find that it's not what I want to do. I feel that unless I truly love what I'm studying and pursuing, it's not worth the effort. If it's not that important to me, I won't work my hardest and challenge myself to do better. If my education doesn't challenge me and force me to really use my brain, then I feel a little short-changed, and I hate that feeling.
I was also worried that I would graduate with a BA in Art History, and there I would be, an expert in a field that has no job opportunities. But I did some research, and there are actually a lot of jobs available to art historians. Most of the big ones require a master's degree, but there are a lot that don't.         
I don't like being so uncertain about my future, especially when it involves my education. I hate wasting time, and I hate feeling like I'm not using my brain like I could be using it. It's so frustrating, and it scares the poop out of me. (Pardon the poop.) Hopefully I'll be able to humble myself enough to find an answer from the Lord. I can be pretty dang stubborn at times, and I like to think that I know what is best for me. Ha! I bet that gives Heavenly Father a laugh.
So.....this post doesn't really have a purpose other than allowing me to vent my frustrations and worries, and to work through my jungle of thoughts. Joke's on you if you read it expecting something awesome, or if you thought this was finally the post where it's not just about me. Hahahahaha!

Strawberry peach juice changed my life.

I am the strangest person I know. I play with rocks, I put gummy worms on a Mac 'n Cheese box and pretend they are sailing on the ocean, I wear head scarves, blue tights, and giant glasses, and when I fall asleep in class I drool all over my desk. I have social anxiety, yet I like to do abnormal things in public and observe people's reactions to me. People are so interesting! Sometimes they ignore me and pretend that everything is normal, and sometimes they stare openly, as if their ferocious looks will deter me from my socially abnormal behavior. I don't do strange things in public to get attention-I do it because I love to observe human behavior, and to see how people react so differently to uncomfortable or strange situations.
Anyway, recently I have gained a greater understanding of who I am. I am Heavenly Father's daughter, and that's enough for me! It didn't used to be, but I have learned a lot about myself and God's love for me, and it's so incredible. I am completely myself no matter who I'm with or where I am, and I don't ever feel ashamed about how weird I am. I've had confidence in myself before, but never this strong. No one can bring me down, because Heavenly Father always loves me, and I love myself. This knowledge is so empowering! It frees me from worrying about what people think of me, or how they will respond to me. I have faith in my abilities, and I know that everything will turn out okay. I see some people who seem to be frightened of themselves and their incredible abilities, and it makes me so sad. I want everyone to be able to have a firm confidence in themselves, to stand up for who they are and have trust in God's love for them. I know that it's not an easy thing, because it took me 20 years to reach this point. I know that I'll have ups and downs--I will still get down on myself, and I'll have bad days. But I'll always have this foundation of believing in myself, and loving myself because God loves me.
The coolest part of this is that when I love myself completely, it's so much easier for me to see the good in others. I get sucked into judging others so easily, and in getting frustrated and impatient with people. But when I'm patient with myself, I find that I'm more patient with others, and I look for what is unique and awesome about them. I'm definitely not perfect at this--especially when I'm at work. But it has been really cool to experience.
I haven't always had the easiest time with myself. In fact, throughout most of my junior high and high school years, I really didn't like myself that much, and I was scared of my own shadow. I have experienced feelings of hatred for myself--feelings so low that I seriously considered suicide. Granted, I was influenced by medication both times I wanted to take my own life, but the emotions were no less real. I'm so thankful that Heavenly Father has blessed me with this incredible gift of knowing and loving myself. I hope everyone can feel like this, because He loves EVERYONE! This knowledge doesn't mean that every day will be easy, and that everything will work out how you want it to. Life is still challenging and frustrating, and trials and temptations will surely come. But as long as you have that foundation in Christ, and as long as you believe in yourself and in God's love for you, then you'll be able to get through anything.
Now I'm going to treat you to some pictures of me in my craziest states. Please laugh heartily, because they are quite funny. (Is it tacky to put pictures of yourself/do a post about yourself on your own blog? Eh, oh whell. According to my brother, tacky is the new cool.)

Prison Mike.

Head scarf! That scarf has protected my ears many a time.

My friends say I have quite the eye for fashion, and who am I to disagree?

Giant glasses! I get the funniest reactions while wearing these.

I love being a hobo! But real hobos are scary.

Apparently being a goob runs in the family....behehhh.

Okay, everyone smile! My smile is worthy of a toothpaste commercial. So sincere.

Doo-rag!!

Okay, this one is totally justified. Athena tooted, and it was RANK! My hands were occupied, so I had to grab something to keep my airway from being poisoned. There weren't any gas masks nearby, so I grabbed Zach's pants. For some reason it was hilarious. What was I supposed to do?

That was such a cool hat.

Yessh! Best picture I've EVER taken.

I was painting all day, and had to make an emergency run to the store. So, I went as I was. No problemo.

I look awesome. This one's going in my model portfolio.

I've saved the best for last. This is my personal favorite. 

More music

I'm always on the lookout for good bands and songs that are not part of the mainstream garbage that is all over. I think it's so cool how music has been around for forever, and yet new sounds are still emerging. I've recently found some pretty kewl bands that you should really check out. I'll try to post a link so you can have a taste of their sound, but it might not work. (Sorry, a lot of the links will probably be YouTube links.) Anyway, let me know what you think!


Woodkid

The Drums, "Money"-http://soundcloud.com/workit/the-drums-money

The Kooks (These guys have been around for a while, but they just released a new album, Junk of The Heart), "Junk of the Heart (Happy)"-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCMykkcoyu8

Neon Indian, "Polish Girl"-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0Q_JwOqko4

Robbers on High Street, "Hey Unbelievers"

Mates of State, "Maracas"-http://www.youtube.com/watch?Pv=CbqrO9oxc7E  (This song is so cool!)

Patrick Watson, "Big Bird In a Small Cage," http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3aD5alrJ78 "Sit Down Beside Me"

Sleepy Rebels, "Magic Girl" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbwkJi918p4

Joshua James, "Coal War" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RNcLOi14yk , "Lovers Without Love" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCegTaqq1aQ

Adam Merrin, "Still Alright"

Woods,"Say Goodbye" http://www.last.fm/music/Woods/_/Say+Goodbye

Horse Feathers, "This Is What"

I tried to do a fancy click and listen gadget, but apparently I'm not tech-savvy enough to figure it out. So, these are some of my favorite songs and bands as of late. If you find any awesome bands, please let me know about them!
Happy listening, and don't forget to eat. Because it's now 2:06 pm, and I haven't eaten anything. 2: 06?!? HOLY COW! This took me a lot longer than I thought! I was going to work on my painting all day today. Shewt.

Sunday Funnies

This post is for everyone who doesn't get the newspaper, and can't read the Sunday Funnies. Enjoy.

Someone didn't want their sister in the picture.

Provides lift and support for your hands!

I love this girl.

One day my teacher was explaining how he broke his bike. (he rides his bike to school) He was exaggerating and saying he did a back flip off a- and was cut off by a kid saying " I had cheerios for breakfast" Best.OUTBURST.EVER! MLIA.
Today, I was bored so I said "Wow, that's a weird place to put a piano." You wouldn't believe how many people looked around for a piano. I was in an elevator. MLIA 

Leave drugs to the thugs.

 I am one of those people that has to take medicine every day. I don't mind taking meds--in fact, I am very grateful that there is medicine available to help me deal with what I have been given. Sometimes I forget if I have taken my meds or not, but I am usually able to remember, and everything is fine. Yesterday was one of those forgetful times, but it didn't end up so fine. I was at work, doing my 10 hour shift. I was certain that I hadn't taken my pills, so I popped them in my mouth. As soon as I swallowed, I remembered that I had indeed taken my medicine earlier that morning. My first thought was, Oh shoot! I just overdosed! I'm doomed! I called my Mom, and we both thought that it would be fine. It was for a little while, then around 7:30 things started getting pretty sketchy. I was texting my mom and cousin when things started going south, so I have a record of how crazy I got. Lucky you, you get to laugh at my expense! Actually, it is pretty hilarious.

Here is the conversation I had with my Mom:

Me: Woah Mom! This is not cool. I think I'm going to be strange. Like a fish, you know? It's real shaky.....spookie? hahaha! Shaky and my head is cool. dizzy.
Mom: Sorry. Drink some water?
Me: Oh, I did, but then it all fell feel fellll out of my buns. into more water. Okay, it was the toilet. Gross. Sorry.
Me: Hahaha, hey mom mamm mum maaam baaabaaa like some sheep. anywya, do you want some sledge biscuits? hahahahahahaha fuunny, huh? huh. huh! kewl kewlll ooj orange juice haffenstetter hatt. matt. patt. scatt, you mangy cats! hahahahaha!.!?.,:;

It made total sense to me, and I was being so clever and funny. Why wasn't Mom responding? She could at least send me a text to let me know how hard she was laughing.

Here is my conversation with my cousin, Melissa.

Me: Oh nelly, this is not fun. I am trippin like a pro, but this time it is for real. If this is what it's like to do some dookies and doobies, count me out.
Me: My brain is like a spider. Going as fast as a spider's eyes when they shift roundy. Plus, some girl that is pinkalicious -her words- just stared me down. Star.
Melissa: Bahaha! Man you are trippin!
Me: Hahahjh okkay computeer! not like a train engineeer but neverminf. hey sis hahahan hay haha i did not mean to dew that. mnt. dew. eeee looks like spider eyes.
Me: Don't talk to me anyhmoree spider eyes! haha don't talk to me because I can't type very whel whale right now. dew the dupe. doobies and poopy diaper. s. mom.

At this point, I was obviously gone. But I had enough presence of mind to realize that I probably shouldn't ride my bike home, because it was late, dark, and I was dizzy. So, I asked for a ride.

Me: Hey, don't hang up the phone. You should if this hasn't worn clothes....hahahah, no.worn off, i need a rige rig ride home at ten cuz i have a bike and drugs.
Me: Did that make sents? scentsy. allison's wax is broken. anywhays, so i don't endangered species myself, can you get me at ten?
Melissa: Bahahaha keep it comin! This is better than live tv!!  (Oh Melissa. Always sympathetic.)
      
I was so frustrated with Melissa. Couldn't she see that I was being serious? I really needed a ride! I had told her as plainly as I could. It was so hard for me to get my message across, because my brain kept getting in the way.

Me: No, I'm serious! You are rude. i wrwrwrwreally do knead knee'd a ride home wrigley's gum-because I don't want to dye on my bike going home. please?
Melissa: Oh oh you're actually speaking words??? You need a ride home from work at 10??
Me: Yesssss! i'm a slithrerly snake YES ARE YOU STUPID? yes, i do. I need a ride home so i don't die. dice. mice. pile if pice.

I also had an interesting conversation with my brother. I was looking at National Geographic magazines, and I was seeing some really funny stuff written in the picture captions. So I thought I would share the hilarity with my brother. He didn't seem to appreciate how funny it was.

Me: Sledging biscuits. hahahaha! and fat seal stakerrs. haha! His dogs dieed. (It was an article about an expedition to the South Pole. The explorer had a lot of sled dogs die. That's all I remember about this.)
Dennis: Ehm...Ehr you a-ok? Or did you get impaled by a hallucinogenic wart hog?
Me: Hahahaa drugs man!! some trippy daruuugs. darude. sandstorm. mail man! tell the milkman hi for that skanky mom in the doorway. i think. Well, I accidentalllly took 2 many phills. pills. phil horace.!?! ahahhh i did that to mom too.
Dennis: I see...i will tell the mailman to say hi to the skank for you.
Me: Nononononono no no no no don't really dew it.
Dennis: Alright i won't.
Me: Don't patronize me in an aproon, young man! I can tell.

Thankfully, word got out that I was trippin hard, and my friend and co-worker Alicia came to work to take over the last hour and a half of my shift. My cousins Jenni and Melissa came into the shoppe at the same time, and all three of them started walking toward me. I remember feeling terrified. They were surrounding me, like they were about to kill a cornered animal. I felt like I was about to be arrested, so I yelled at them to leave and I ran to the back. I don't remember much after that, except that everything was either hilariously funny or horribly depressing and sad. After some firm words from my mom on the phone, I allowed my cousins to take me to my sister's house to spend the night.

Around ten thirty I started to return to normal. I was still very shaky, dizzy, and weak, and I couldn't quite connect my thoughts, but I could converse like a normal human. I didn't sleep very well at all, but when I woke up this morning I was back to me ole' self. This is not the first run-in I've had with malfunctioning drugs, but thankfully this time, my reaction to the medication didn't involve suicidal tendencies. Haha, I wonder what those few customers thought who came in while I was off my nut. It was so difficult to concentrate on what they were saying, and to answer their questions. I'm sure I came off as a crazy loon. Let's be honest, I was a crazy loon.

I'm very thankful that I had family members and friends around me who were willing to take care of me and keep me safe from myself. I don't think I was very nice to them while in my medicated state. Sorry! This experience is just one more thing to add to my testimony that Heavenly Father is watching over me and protecting me. There have been quite a few instances in the past few years that could have lead to serious injury or my death. Now that I think about it, it truly is a miracle that I'm still alive, and the only reason I am is because of Heavenly Father.


Experiences like these remind me that I have an amazing gift of life, and that I should take advantage of it. I feel like I've lived parts of my life with my eyes half closed, passing up experiences and opportunities because of fear or uncertainty. I still have fears, but I want to open my eyes, get out of my comfort zone, and live more. This doesn't mean I have to do incredible, amazing things, or go on awesome adventures (although that would be nice). I'm having a hard time coming up with the words to explain what it does mean--let's blame it on the lack of sleep, and a hangover of sorts. But I'm trying to live with my eyes open. I'm trying to live awake.

Nature is natural.

Do you ever feel like you are being crushed and pressured by life?-- As if you are in a vice, and the joy of living is being sucked out of you? That's how I have been feeling lately.
Don't get me wrong; my life is awesome. I know that I'm exactly where I need to be, and I have been blessed in so many ways. But sometimes I get bogged down. I'm super grateful for my job, but I feel like I'm always there, and when I'm not there I'm thinking or dreaming about it. Customers can get really annoying sometimes, and I'm just a little sick of people not using their brains. I get this a lot:
"What's this raspberry tart thing?" um....it's a raspberry tart with raspberry mousse. "But what is it?" Really?!?
When I'm not at work, I'm at my apartment. It's a great place to live, but cleaning other people's dishes every day and washing the cruddy bathroom your roommate refuses to help clean can get old. I've been painting a lot, which I love, but sometimes when I paint I put so much pressure on myself to get it right that I forget why I'm doing it in the first place.
Eating has been a problem as well. I have money for groceries, but I would rather save it for school. And getting groceries is a never-ending chore. I'm afraid the fridge and pantry door will fall off one of these days, because I keep opening them, expecting to see a delicious meal waiting for me. One of these times, it's going to happen. I BELIEVE!
These things, as well as a few personal issues, started to crush me. I felt that if I didn't escape, I would spontaneously combust. And I am completely serious about that.
When things get out of control, the best solution for me lies in nature. I believe that being outside, away from cities or cars or people, is one of the best ways to strengthen the relationship between yourself and God. When I'm out in nature, my spirit feels free, and more alive. That might sound strange, but I feel more connected with my spirit, and I have a greater understanding of who I am.
I am very blessed to live minutes away from solitude in the mountains. This morning, I woke up early and drove up to a hiking trail that winds through the mountains above Logan. I walked until I could no longer hear the noises of Cache Valley, and found a comfortable stone to sit on that was near some amazing rock formations. I watched the sun's rays hit the tops of the peaks opposite me, and marveled at the transformation of the trees and rocks as the sun rose higher and higher. The air was crisp and clean, and the only sounds I heard were from crickets, birds, and other wildlife. My phone was off, and I forgot everything and everyone in my life.
Spending time alone in the mountains was the medicine I needed to go back to my life's routine. It really was incredible. I've been up in the mountains numerous times this summer, but never by myself. These creations of God's--trees of all kinds, rocks of all sizes, etc.--are incredible. If I could, I would drop everything for a week and live by myself in the woods. Just think of how much you could feel and learn and do!
Before the weather gets nasty, take a trip to the mountains. Autumn would be the most opportune time, as the leaves perform magic, but just go. Find a spare moment to be alone, and then forget everything. Forget about work, school, friends and family, philosophies, opinions, worries--push it all aside, and let nature do her magic. I probably sound like a Thoreau enthusiast, or a romantic environmentalist, but I don't really care. I love being outside among God's creations, and I'm so thankful for that.
In the words of a unique painter, "Happy painting (or, in this case, nature-ing), and God bless!"

I didn't take this picture, but it is a photograph of Logan Canyon. I took some awesome pictures with my phone, but I couldn't figure out how to get them on here. So, this will have to suffice.

Night Kiting

To escape the eyes of the world,

I jump out of my life

and climb through the window

to go Night Kiting.

Up on a hill,

where the moon lays its light,

alone with the stars,

and a kite that rides the night.

It's a place where the world's love collects

to escape from the noise and the silence.

My kite bows and swirls with the world's music,

laughing like a child.

I chase after it,

and droplets of laughter fall onto my face.

Up on a hill, 

where the moon lays its light,

alone with the stars,

and a kite that rides the night.

Old and cranky? You need a spanky.

Growing old is an inevitable part of this life. No matter how many anti-aging creams or techniques you use, there is no getting around it: you are going to get old. I find it interesting that we as humans do everything we can to halt an unstoppable process. Plastic surgery seems to be a popular way to delay aging, but it can only get you so far.

Oh yeah, she looks years younger. Plastic surgery certainly did it for her!

I think the best way to age is to embrace it. Balding? Heck with the comb-over, bring out the wax and shine that puppy up! Wrinkles? Forget the makeup and botox injections; wear those wrinkles with pride! Sagging skin? Let it flap free in the wind! These side effects of growing old should be worn with pride. Lots of eye and mouth wrinkles could mean that you found joy in life, and shared that joy with others. Losing your hair could indicate your dedication as a parent, the loss stemming from little grabby children hands, or stress and worry over your beloved children.
I hope that when I get old, I can accept aging gracefully, and live just as happy as ever. Some old people I've met or observed seem to enjoy being old. They live happy, contented lives despite hearing loss, brittle bones, loss of eyesight, etc. However, I have encountered a few sharks in the sea of older folks, especially while at work.
Yesterday I worked an 11 hour shift, which is tiring, but not bad--until cranky old women (yep, it's mostly all women) come and grind my happiness into a pulp. I try to be cordial and nice to everyone, even if they don't reciprocate. Three old ladies came into work yesterday who refused to let me be nice to them.
Old crank number 1 comes in pretty regularly, and she is crazy. No joke. She demanded that I give her a bowl of soup, and that I make sure to fill it allll the way to the top, because I was charging her way too much, and I should be ashamed. She also demanded that I give her two dimes for her 20 cents in pennies, but she got ticked when I told her she had only given me 17 pennies. Before leaving, she checked her soup to make sure I had filled it alll the way to the top, and then left with attitude fitting a 2 year old.
Old crank number 2 comes in every week to get bread puddin'. I try my very hardest to be kind to her, but it's hard. I always ask her how she is doing, and she always interrupts me and says, "I want my bread pudding, but two middle pieces, and hurry. Is there chocolate in there? That's ridiculous. Give me a piece without chocolate." Uh......that's impossible. "Well he should know that not everyone likes chocolate in their bread pudding. $2.75? You've got to be kidding me. That is incredibly overpriced. You are stealing from people. Give me some rum sauce, and don't spill it." No matter what, I always do something wrong, and she always has something to complain about.

This is a pretty accurate rendering of the bread pudding lady.

Old crank number 3 was new. She came with her husband, who was pleasant. She complained about prices, yelled at me because I couldn't control the noise of the case refrigerators, complained that the music in the shop was making her crazy, and picked her teeth with a toothpick while looking at me like I was crazy and demonic while I explained treats to her.
Okay, I know that it must be frustrating to get old. But come on! If the case fridges are too loud, turn your hearing aid down! If the prices are too high for you, go somewhere else! If you don't like chocolate, why the heck are you getting bread pudding? Stop blaming your old age on innocent employees! Either accept your age, and make the best of it, or stay at home and complain to your cats, because no one wants to get thrashed around for being young while you are old! If you don't have cats, talk to your mothballs or dentures or orthopedic shoes or something. Guh. Old age can't be that bad; look at this guy! He's missing teeth, he's ancient, and he's as happy as a pig in mud!