The Gap

 For anyone who creates, this is important stuff.

This is where I've been for years. It's where I'm at right now. I'm still fighting my way through, but I'm determined not to quit. 

It's comforting to know that everybody goes through this, and that mediocrity can be overcome.

Now watch the video so you know what I'm talking about.

 

Ira Glass, you're the inspirational shoelace to my creative sneaker.

 

Happy Thursday!

 

xoxo,

Saralyn

Art school

It would be awesome to go, but the art school I would love to attend has a tuition cost of around $90,000. AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN. 

I've been frustrated for a while about the money aspect of school. Why the poop is it so expensive? I figured that I would never be able to go to art school. But just recently, I've decided that I don't have to miss out on an art education just because I can't go to the actual school. I've decided to edumacate myself, at home, on my own. Who needs art school?

A lot of great painters go to galleries to study the works of the masters, copying their styles and trying to learn their techniques. The master painters did the same thing by studying a previous artist's work, or being an apprentice to a well-known artist. It seems to have worked for them, so I figure it can work for me.

There aren't any Louvres around K-town, but there is the INTERWEBS. Such a handy tool. So I can study paintings and drawings whenever the heck I want, without worrying about being booted out of a museum. So you see, not being at an awesome museum has its benefits.

I've picked just a few artists to start my study. Studies. First up is Alphonse Mucha, an illustrator, painter, and graphic artist that basically created a new movement (Art Nouveau) in art. He did a lot of posters and product illustrations, but he was also a very skilled painter. His work is easily recognizable, and I think it's incredibly beautiful. The man was a genius. Here are some samples of his work:

Next: Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec. He's an interesting character, but I love the stroke-work and colors in his paintings. 

Also on the list: Gustav Klimt, Edvard Munch, John William Waterhouse, and Joseph Mallord William Turner (his name is quite the mouthful). Here are samples of their work:

Klimt, because I love his abstract use of pattern.

Edvard Munch, for modeling, color, and form:

John William Waterhouse, for draping/modeling, and more of a classical approach:

Last but definitely not least, J. W. M. Turner, for his amazing use of light.

I feel like I've got a pretty good range of styles to start with. I'll post some of my studies after they are done, and hopefully you'll be able to tell which artist the study was for. EHHH. 

School certainly isn't the only place to learn. And while I may not ever get an actual degree, I can still acquire the knowledge that a degree-holding art major would have. ....or something.

Stay soupy.

xoxo,

Saralyn

Pretend you're interested

I find it hard to write on my blog when nothing of interest really happens to me. I've been trying to think of stories I could share, but so far I've got nothing. So for now, I'll just share details from my boring, every day life.
PRETEND IT'S INTERESTING.

Lately I've been on a Candy Crush binge. When my Dad comes home from work, I snatch his phone and play until my lives run out. Then, if he's not already on it, I snatch his ipad and play until I have no more lives. It's a vicious cycle. Why is that game so addicting? A girl I work with plays it every time she has a break. She's pretty intense about it. Level 3000 or something like that.

This week was pretty strange, since I was only scheduled for 2 days of work. So I had Tues-Fri all to myself. Since everyone else is at work or school during the day, I've been pretty much on my own all week. ....doing nothing. Actually, I take that back. I made delicious chicken and noodles, worked on a painting I'm doing for a friend, got my clothes washed (but not put away), the bathroom cleaned, and my bedroom organized. I also did a lot of sleeping, playing Lego Batman, watching movies, reading, and wandering around the house. It's the most productive week I've had in a long time. Usually, I come home from work and slump around, emotionless and unmotivated. It's sort of my thing nowadays.

This morning I woke up sweaty and freezing. Am I the only one who experiences this horrible phenomenon? When I go to bed, I'm cold. So I sleep with a quilt and my thick fuzzy blanket, and some light pjs. Nothing crazy. But most mornings when I wake up, I'm drenched in sweat and am freezing cold. Whaddaheck. I've tried everything to solve this quandry--short sleeved shirts, less blankets, going pantless to bed (I may have just made this awkward for everyone, but it's surprisingly comfortable. I won't apologize for that.), sleeping with my hair up, closing my heater vent (actually, it closes by itself. I have to tape it to get it to stay open, but that's just a lot of work), leaving my door open--but to no avail. I guess I'm just a gross, sweaty sleeper. SORRY FUTURE HUSBAND.

Besides my painting, I've also been working on an installation piece that I'm super excited about. I've always loved installation art. What's not to love?? My 3D art class at Utah State first got me interested in installation pieces, and more recently, I've been really inspired by window displays, particularly those of Anthropologie. Have you seen those masterpieces???

 Aren't those gorgeous??? I'm especially in love with the yellow butterfly dress. I think designing and making window displays for them would be THE BEST job ever! Oh glory, if I could get a job like that, I'd be ecstatic for the rest of my life! So if anyone knows someone who knows someone in this business.....hook a sister up!! I'm.....really serious about that.

Anyway, I've done a few installation pieces in the past--some worked, some exploded--but I'm trying again, this time with paper. I'll show you when it's finished, assuming it works out.

I'm going to go eat white chicken chili (it took me 5 minutes to get the right spelling of chili).

Stay full.

xoxox

Saralyn

Late night sketch

Another Change

When I get dressed in the morning, I usually go through three or four different outfits before I find the one that I like. That includes shoes, earrings, and sometimes socks.
In my apartment in Logan, I changed the decor and furniture placement at least once a month.
My ipod goes through a brutal shuffling before I find a song I like, and then I usually change it before it has finished.

My point is this: I change and rearrange until I find something that works, or that I like. Sometimes it takes a while for me to get there. Example A: This blog. It has undergone so many different looks and names, the poor thing. Talk about identity crisis. But I think I've finally stumbled upon something that I like.

The Presence of Wonder as a title worked for a while, but let's get real: it sounds pretentious. Living Awake was misleading, since I spend most of my time sleeping. Living Asleep would be more accurate, but it's confusing and dreary.

Crooked Arrows may seem pretty random, but it's actually quite perfect. Here's why:

When I was younger, my nose was a magnet for all things hard and potentially dangerous. I fell onto my driveway and broke my nose when I was 8 or 9, and once I got started, I just couldn't stop. I got hit in the face with a football, a tetherball, and someone's head, I ran into the only hard part of the couch, and I gave the pavement a few high-fives with my face. My nose was pretty messed up. It was decided that I would have surgery when I was 16 or older, so I would be mostly finished with the growing process.
Due to my bent and out of shape nose, my Grandpa and Uncle graciously came up with a new name for me: crooked arrow. So for 10 years or so, I was crooked arrow, queen of not being able to breathe through my nose.

Arrows are perfectly straight, designed to fly true and hit the intended target. But over time, arrows can warp or get bent out of shape. When released, these crooked arrows fly haphazardly, with no clear direction or target. 

I have quite a few crooked arrows in my quiver of life--things that happened that I didn't expect or want to happen. Depression, anxiety, health issues, etc. This blog is sort of a chronicle of my experiences as I encounter and deal with these crooked, bent arrows among the straight, finely crafted ones. I get lost. I end up miles away from my target. I make stupid decisions. But the more I deal with these misshapen arrows, the more I'll understand how to handle and manipulate them until eventually, I'll be able to hit dead center on the target. Bulls-eye.

So there you have it. Same old author, same old blog, new name, new look.

Have a good Sunday, kids. 

xoxo

Saralyn

Pages from my sketchbook

Lately I've been trying something new: drawing without references. It's rather difficult for me, because apparently I don't believe that I can draw anything correctly without a reference. It's been cool to find out that once I stop doubting myself and just let my pencil do what it wants, I can whip out some pretty okay sketches. In order for my art to really be from my whole soul (cheesy, but let's go with it), I have to do it completely for myself, without any intention of sharing it. Once I do that, I can let go of the fears and doubts about whether or not people will like my work. 

But anyway. Here are some sketches, done reference-free.

Two Thousand Fourteen

New Years is not my favorite holiday. In fact, it's my least favorite holiday. By quite a large margin. But there is something to be said for looking back at the year and seeing how far you have (or have not) come. So I guess this is my year in review. I was going to put pictures of some events in to break up the monotony of text, but the computer I'm on has no pictures of me, and I currently have no Fazebrook account to steal pictures from. So use your imagination.

Um.....January. Let's start there.

I went snowshoeing in Logan in negative degree weather. It was pretty crazy, since we just blazed our own trail up the mountain. But it was worth all the craziness to get to the top. I pretty much tumbled and rolled the entire way down the mountain, but hey, it was quicker than walking. 

February.

Work. Sleep. Paint. 

March. 

Happy birthday to me! I went on a road trip to California with some awesome friends. It was pretty chilly for most of the trip, but nothing could ruin the ocean for me. Not even freezing water. I got a nasty sunburn that made me look like a leper for a few days. Ain't no thang. It was such a fun trip!

I sent in my application for a job as a wilderness therapist, my "dream job."

April.

After living on my own in Logan for almost 4 years, I moved home. It was a tough decision, but I think it was the right one. I quit the pastry job I held for 2 years, packed up ridiculous amounts of stuff, and moved in to my old bedroom downstairs. It was a rough adjustment. I love my family, and I love being home, but it was such a change from living on my own. To be honest, I'm still having a hard time adjusting. 

I got an email, followed by a phone call, from the head therapist for my dream job. They invited me to training!! I had been praying and praying that I would get this job. Perfect environment, great pay, awesome experience. I couldn't wait!

I spent a lot of this month, and the following months, hanging out at home with my brother Dennis. Neither of us had a job in April or May, so we just hung out. We explored random water tunnels, went on hikes, played guitar hero, ate quite a bit of Wendy's food, and watched a lot of Adventure Time. When we got really bored and stir-crazy, we (and sometimes Joey or Miranda) would get in his little Isuzu Amigo, turn on some jazzy tunes, and drive around Kaysville and Farmington with the windows rolled down. We tried to go off-roading once on some little dirt hills in West Kaysville. It....didn't turn out so well. 

May.

I went to wilderness therapy training near Duchesne. It was the first time I had really gone out and done something big all by myself, not knowing anyone or anything, and having no means of communication or transportation. The first night there, I had the worst panic attack I've ever had, sitting on the floor next to a toilet in the middle of the night. But I got through it. After two days in the field, I decided that this job wouldn't work for me, for a variety of reasons. But I learned so much from those few days in the wilderness, and I met some truly amazing people. I found that I had more strength than I ever could have imagined--both physical (80 lb pack, kids!) and mental. It was definitely a worthwhile experience. 

I spent the rest of this month looking for a job. My favorite.

June.

I went on a motorcycle ride up in the mountains near Logan, and while sitting on top of a peak overlooking the valley below, I got a phone call. (I have no idea how I got reception there. Really.) That phone call was the store manager at REI, offering me a job. YAHOOOOO!!! Finally!! So, in the middle of June, I started a new job at REI.

My sister moved in to our house with her family. Our house became very crowded very fast. It was another adjustment, but we made it work. It was so fun to have my cute little nephews running around. ....Most of the time.

Juuuuly.

Work, clear out in Sandy. I almost got fired because I kept messing up, but I eventually pulled myself together and got things figured out. I made some awesome new friends at work, and got totally creeped on by stalker men at work. Super great.

August.

Psycho therapy time. I started seeing a psychologist because my mental health was affecting my physical health, and had been doing so pretty much the whole year. I was pretty upset about having to see a psychiatrist. But I mostly got over that. 

I can't remember exactly when this happened, but I'm going to say it was in August. I FINALLY GOT MY VERY OWN CAR!!!!! A Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo. It's mostly breaking down now, (ha!) but I still love it. I just don't love its voracious appetite for gasoline.

September?

Um...work. I had a few crazy nights of hanging out with people, but mostly I just chilled at home every night. I know, I know, I need to stop being such a social butterfly.

I became obsessed with drawing sometime around here. I was always drawing--sketches, cartoons, words, whatever. I started reading more about art techniques and different artists, I watched art documentaries, and when I got on the interwebs I looked up art. I was art-obsessed. (Alright, I'm still art-obsessed. I still do all these things. It's fine.)

October.

Happy Halloween. I didn't dress up. But I did work. 

Dennis left on his mission. Columbia, South Carolina, Spanish speaking. It was really hard to see him go, since he was pretty much my social life. But it was also pretty awesome, because he was so stinkin' excited.

I did something crazy and bought a mountainboard! Many bruises and scratches followed, but no broken bones.

Novemberrr.

Turkey, yum. I started seeing a therapist, since my first round of therapy was the poop smith. Ugggggg therapy.

December.

Work, work, and more work. Therapy was great, surprisingly. 

Christmas at home, with my adorable nieces. I got some awesome art markers- Chartpak Ad markers. They reek like a moldy Christmas ham, but boy are they smooooth. 

We got to Skype with Dennis! It was awesome.

New Years Eve. I worked, had delicious fondue, watched some Ted Talks, read some art history, and went to bed at 10. It's non-stop partying with this party animal.

And that brings us to now. 

Therapy is hard, but it's going really well. I'm trying to work through a lot of misconceptions my brain has been harboring for over 20 years. It's a difficult process, and it will take a long time, but it's been a big help so far.

My depression and anxiety are still pretty bad. I don't really feel things. It's almost like I'm a robot, going through the motions of daily life, but numb to any sort of emotion. It's been this way for quite a few months, but I've learned to fake it pretty convincingly. I'm always tired, and I'm completely unmotivated. Today was the first day in a loooong time that I actually got stuff done. I folded and put away my clothes, and started working on a painting I've been meaning to do since November. 

It has been pretty difficult lately, to be honest. I have few friends that I actually hang out with, and I really don't hang out that much because I have no desire to do anything but sleep. I get tired at 8 pm, which makes me feel old. I don't get anything done. The only thing I do is work and sleep and sometimes watch some shows. I can't even get myself to read that much. I have no interest in things that I used to love, and going to church is next to impossible. I think I've only sat through all 3 hours of church once in the past 4 months or so. Usually I just go to Sacrament meeting, or sometimes just to Sunday School (where I hang out with my Dad and look up my ancestors on the computer--now that's a sunday school.). This past week at church, a well-meaning neighbor told me that I should be going to the Single's Ward. My response: I'd rather be hung from the ceiling by my belly button and forced to watch back to back episodes of Full House. I didn't say that exact thing to her, but it was similar. 

I have no idea how things will go in 2014. I'd love to move into my own place, get selling some artwork, become more social, and go on a few road trips. Realistically, I'll probably be here at home for quite a while. Sorry Mom and Dad. I'm working on getting to the point, both financially, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc. to where I could live on my own again, but it's a process. A long process, unfortunately. 

In the meantime, I'll just keep trucking along, trying to remember to eat food and get up in the morning. I may be numb, but I guess that's better than being completely depressed and crying all the time. ...Right? 

I feel like this is a pretty negative, downer kind of post, but it is what it is. It's all about starting the New Year off with a great attitude, am I right? 

I hope this year is great for everyone. Go outside a lot, try things you've never tried before, chug a whole jug of apple juice--let's get crazy with this!

xoxo

Saralyn