Blahg blahg blahg

Eesh, life has a tendency to get in the way of.....life. Or something. ANYWAY. I thought I'd do a quick update on the happs as of late. It's mostly for myself, since I'm pretty sure no one has a BURNING DESIRE to know every detail of my amazing life. Or do they???

First off: I wrote before about how I got a mountain bike. Well, I've been on a few rides, and it is SO MUCH FUN!! It's also pretty terrifying. But soooo worth it. It turns out that I'm actually somewhat of a natural at mountain biking. Right?!?! Weird. A few of my co-workers have nicknamed me the "downhill devil" because I fly fearlessly down crazy, bumpy, narrow, twisty trails. I'll let you in on a secret though: I cruise downhill so crazily because I CAN'T CONTROL MY FLIPPING BIKE! That thing picks up speed like nothing else, and no amount of braking can keep it in check. So I just run with it, and try not to kill myself in the process. When I went biking a few days ago, I ran into a tree, fell down an embankment, and my bike landed on top of me. I have some pretty gnarly bruises and cuts, but the best part of that fall was that I wasn't actually moving when it happened. SOOKAYIT'SFINE. Don't ask me how it happened, because I don't even know. One minute I was standing over my bike, and the next I was in a ditch being flattened by a two-wheeled monster.

Most of my time is spent at work. I recently applied to be a Sales Lead, which means higher pay (hooooray!) and guaranteed full-time hours (which I basically already have). It's kind of cool to work at a place where I can move up in positions, rather than in a place where moving up means going from a dishwasher to a table washer. Imeancomeon.

I went on a date the other night. Shocking, I know. He was really nice, super quiet, shy, and waay into hunting and fishing. Just my type!!!! Wait.....
I had fun, but that was mostly because I doubled with a co-worker of mine, and she is hilarious. It was nice to actually go out and do something. We went bowling, where I bowled a personal all-time high score of 67. SIXTY SEVEN!!!! Bowling league, I'm coming for you.

I've been doing a lot of painting lately, and I actually have quite a few paintings that I need to get done. So for everyone that's waiting for their painting: I'M SORRY. I'm working on it, I promise!

That's about it for me. Have a great night, read a great book, do something great. Or just take naps all the time, because that's the greatest thing a person could do.

xoxo

Saralyn

Things

I turned 23 on the 11th. Wazoooo! I've decided that after you turn 21, birthdays are pretty boring.

I ordered a mountain bike, and it's coming THIS WEEEEEK!! It's a Cannondale, and I got it for a STEAL! Thank you prodeal.

Here it is:

White isn't my top choice, but for the price, I could care less about the color!

I did more training at work, which is good and also slightly intimidating. There's a lot to know about camping and climbing and cycling and gps units and fitness watches and camp stoves and sleeping bags and tents....a lot to know. I hope I'm up to it!

My bedroom is a constant disaster. It's less of a bedroom and more of a studio with a bed in it. It's the place where my creative brain explodes, and it's not always pretty. Ugghgh.....uh well.

I've been painting a lot, which is always good. I feel like I'm improving in regard to my skill level, if only a little bit. It's encouraging.

I need a shower. My bathroom is filthy. I need to wash my clothes. Normal stuff, normal life.

But it's a good normal.

xoxo

Saralyn

Bikes and bulk food

I'M GETTING A MOUNTAIN BIKE IN A FEW WEEKS I'M SO EXCITED I CAN'T WAIT TO RIDE IT AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

This one:

Cannondale Trail Women's 6. ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?!? Let's hope I don't break all my body.

If I don't post anything on here for a while, it's because I'm currently working on 5 paintings for some friends and family. I often get wrapped up in my art, but lately I've become obsessed with painting and drawing. I'm determined to become the best artist I can be, and that means devoting most of my time to practicing. It also means taking as many hours as I can at work so I have monies to feed this expensive passion of mine. .....and to buy a mountain bike. :) So long, social life. (Ha. Like I have a social life to say goodbye to. hahah!)

Eat all the gummy bears!

(Secret sharing time: The best gummy bears can be found at WinCo. I'M IN LOVE WITH THAT STORE. Bulk food. It's my secret love affair.)

xoxo

Saralyn

"Exist"

 

 

"I don't have to exist outside this place."

Saralyn Goodspeed, Feb. 2014

 

Valentine's Day

For most people, Valentine's Day is one of two things: a happy day filled with romance, chocolates, and flowers, or a day for bitter hearts to mope around and overdose on chocolate while lamenting their single status.

Valentine's Day is neither of those things for me. I've always loved Vamlumtimes. (Mostly because this holiday has the best candy. Conversation hearts. I could eat them all day. And I did. Do.)

This year, my Valentine's Day was pretty special. I went to work, had a pretty fun time there, and then went home and sketched while listening to some tunes. Nothing special, but I was happy all day. At home, while in the bathroom, I looked in the mirror and out of nowhere, I realized that the face I was seeing was happy.

I've been emotionally numb for about a year or so, not really feeling anything or caring about anything. I pretended to have emotions, I put on this great facade, but really I felt empty and my spirit seemed to be hibernating. Church and Gospel-related things have been extremely difficult for me for the past year, because I never felt the Holy Ghost, and I felt like everything was a waste of time. I made some pretty serious mistakes, but didn't repent because I didn't care. I couldn't make myself feel guilty, and I was never happy. I was just an empty shell.

*I'd like to be honest and open about something, if that's alright. I hate letting people see my flaws and mistakes, but I guess the best way to get over my perfectionist tendencies is to share some of those mistakes. So here goes. (Deep breath. Sharing this is super, really, extremely hard for me.)*

During this emotionless, numb, shady time in my life, I got into some trouble with a boy. Because I didn't care about anything, I didn't try to change the situation. I didn't feel guilt, I didn't feel sorrow, and I honestly didn't care that I was doing things I'd been taught not to do my whole life. Things eventually stopped with this boy (by default, not by any change of mind or behavior on my part), and I thought that perhaps I would be able to feel something since I had stopped misbehaving. But I didn't feel anything at all. So, instead of letting go of my sin and seeking forgiveness, I decided to carry it with me like an albatross around my neck, thinking that if I punished myself with it, eventually I'd feel guilt. I felt that I deserved this burden, because I had been doing so horrible in regard to church stuff.

As I was looking in the mirror on Valentine's Day, something in me changed, and I decided to let go of this mistake and work on improving my life. And then, KABLAM! It was like a bomb went off in my head and heart, and at that moment the numb pain I had been experiencing for more than a year disappeared. I felt a huge weight lift off me, all kinds of emotions poured into my heart, and my sad little spirit woke up. I was happy! I jumped up and did a little dance, right there in the bathroom. I went back to the couch and continued to draw. My Mom came in the room at some point, and I got out a few words--something like, "I'm so happy!"--before I dissolved into a puddle of tears.

I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt happy, sad, excited--anything. I felt like my spirit, my personality, and everything that made me "me" had been hibernating for months and months. When it finally came out, I couldn't contain myself. I cried and cried, letting the feelings wash over me, relishing the feeling of feeling. It was a weird sensation, feeling joy and happiness and lightness of heart. I felt hope!

Sometimes I send texts to myself, to remind me of things that happened or thoughts I had, so I can later share them with my therapist if I need to. This was the text I sent myself that night:

"I FEEEL!!!! I feel happy! I was finally able to let go.......I feel lighter, like a burden is lifted. I honestly can't remember the last time I felt anything, let alone happiness. I want to talk to the bishop, I want to repent, I want to be better. I want a better relationship with Heavenly Father. My spirit is free!! I feel like myself again!! I know I still have so much to work on, but I FEEL and I have HOPE!"

There is still so much I struggle with, and I know that the numbness will come and go, and I'll slip up again and again. But I finally have hope, and I remember why I'm here and who I am. I have a desire to improve my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I'm completely happy with being single, and I'm ready and willing to make changes in my life. The funny thing is that I don't really feel a lot of guilt or sorrow like I thought I would. The slip-ups with that boy were serious, and while it was wrong, I think it was something that needed to happen.  I've learned so much about myself and the Gospel and life through this particular stumbling block. I'm sad that what I did caused Christ to suffer, but I don't feel crushing guilt or extreme sorrow. I just feel a strong desire to change and improve so that I don't cause Him any more pain. This Gospel is amazing. I can't even explain the hope and joy I feel. I LOVE THIS!!! I love feeling! I love that I can change, and that I have the truth.

I hope that I can hold on to this feeling for a while. It's easy to write about changing and improving, but it's oh so much harder to perform. I'm an extremely prideful human being with depression and anxiety, which means that I'll mess up and sin and make mistakes and fall back into the darkness again and again. But maybe, when the numbness does come around, I'll be able to look back on this and find my way out.

I hope you had a beautiful Valentine's Day, full of love and chalky conversation hearts. I'm going to eat some animal cookies and probs watch Adventure Time now. I should really go to bed.........nah. I'll sleep later, it ain't no thang.

Stay fun like a ferris wheel.

(Personally, I think ferris wheels are terrifying, and not fun. Whatevs.)

xoxo

Saralyn 

PS: Sorry no pictures. Ain't nobody got time fo'dat!

Dope quotes.

"How do I say, "you're the grossest thing ever," without offending you?"

"Nothing's better than throwing a big bag of butter at someone."

"She's totally gross over 90% of her body. The other 10% is crazy nasty."

"Nuts. I'm freakin' all about sugar, but I'm even more about FEEDING HOBOS!"

"That horse is whack with poo-brain."

Adventure Time is pretty much my source for every inspirational quote. 

xoxo

Saralyn

652 Things To Draw

I have an awesome book called 652 Things To Draw. It's a bunch of blank pages with random subjects to draw. It's super fun! I thought I'd share some of my drawings from it. Enjoy!!

a sandwich:

mushrooms:

 

 fangs:

 tube socks!

 

a peg leg:

 

a helmet:

 

a ponytail:

 

a pocket:

 

a tyrannosaurus rex:

(hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!)

 

a fairy and a ball of yarn:

 

a haircut:

(her hairstylist is a ghost, apparently.)

 

the Sunday paper:

 

 

 a cleaver:

a kite:

 

A BOX OF KITTENS.

 

 

a tattoo!

chips and dip:

 

a moustache:

 

a face full of character:

(ahahahahahahah!)

 

a ticket:

 

a mummy:

 

a spelunker:

 

a propaganda poster:

(I'm dying. I love this one.)

 

a bird in the hand:

(what does that even mean?)

a condiment:

 

It's probably a little tacky that I think my own drawings are funny. Hehhh.....

Stay funky fresh.

xoxox Saralyn

A poem of sorts

Having a cold is horrible.

Having the flu is horrible.

Having the flu and barfing out of both ends while also having a nasty cold is a sick joke.

It's so ridiculous, it's hilarious!

Welcome to my Monday.

Stay healthy.

xoxo Saralyn

The Gap

 For anyone who creates, this is important stuff.

This is where I've been for years. It's where I'm at right now. I'm still fighting my way through, but I'm determined not to quit. 

It's comforting to know that everybody goes through this, and that mediocrity can be overcome.

Now watch the video so you know what I'm talking about.

 

Ira Glass, you're the inspirational shoelace to my creative sneaker.

 

Happy Thursday!

 

xoxo,

Saralyn

Art school

It would be awesome to go, but the art school I would love to attend has a tuition cost of around $90,000. AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN. 

I've been frustrated for a while about the money aspect of school. Why the poop is it so expensive? I figured that I would never be able to go to art school. But just recently, I've decided that I don't have to miss out on an art education just because I can't go to the actual school. I've decided to edumacate myself, at home, on my own. Who needs art school?

A lot of great painters go to galleries to study the works of the masters, copying their styles and trying to learn their techniques. The master painters did the same thing by studying a previous artist's work, or being an apprentice to a well-known artist. It seems to have worked for them, so I figure it can work for me.

There aren't any Louvres around K-town, but there is the INTERWEBS. Such a handy tool. So I can study paintings and drawings whenever the heck I want, without worrying about being booted out of a museum. So you see, not being at an awesome museum has its benefits.

I've picked just a few artists to start my study. Studies. First up is Alphonse Mucha, an illustrator, painter, and graphic artist that basically created a new movement (Art Nouveau) in art. He did a lot of posters and product illustrations, but he was also a very skilled painter. His work is easily recognizable, and I think it's incredibly beautiful. The man was a genius. Here are some samples of his work:

Next: Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec. He's an interesting character, but I love the stroke-work and colors in his paintings. 

Also on the list: Gustav Klimt, Edvard Munch, John William Waterhouse, and Joseph Mallord William Turner (his name is quite the mouthful). Here are samples of their work:

Klimt, because I love his abstract use of pattern.

Edvard Munch, for modeling, color, and form:

John William Waterhouse, for draping/modeling, and more of a classical approach:

Last but definitely not least, J. W. M. Turner, for his amazing use of light.

I feel like I've got a pretty good range of styles to start with. I'll post some of my studies after they are done, and hopefully you'll be able to tell which artist the study was for. EHHH. 

School certainly isn't the only place to learn. And while I may not ever get an actual degree, I can still acquire the knowledge that a degree-holding art major would have. ....or something.

Stay soupy.

xoxo,

Saralyn

Pretend you're interested

I find it hard to write on my blog when nothing of interest really happens to me. I've been trying to think of stories I could share, but so far I've got nothing. So for now, I'll just share details from my boring, every day life.
PRETEND IT'S INTERESTING.

Lately I've been on a Candy Crush binge. When my Dad comes home from work, I snatch his phone and play until my lives run out. Then, if he's not already on it, I snatch his ipad and play until I have no more lives. It's a vicious cycle. Why is that game so addicting? A girl I work with plays it every time she has a break. She's pretty intense about it. Level 3000 or something like that.

This week was pretty strange, since I was only scheduled for 2 days of work. So I had Tues-Fri all to myself. Since everyone else is at work or school during the day, I've been pretty much on my own all week. ....doing nothing. Actually, I take that back. I made delicious chicken and noodles, worked on a painting I'm doing for a friend, got my clothes washed (but not put away), the bathroom cleaned, and my bedroom organized. I also did a lot of sleeping, playing Lego Batman, watching movies, reading, and wandering around the house. It's the most productive week I've had in a long time. Usually, I come home from work and slump around, emotionless and unmotivated. It's sort of my thing nowadays.

This morning I woke up sweaty and freezing. Am I the only one who experiences this horrible phenomenon? When I go to bed, I'm cold. So I sleep with a quilt and my thick fuzzy blanket, and some light pjs. Nothing crazy. But most mornings when I wake up, I'm drenched in sweat and am freezing cold. Whaddaheck. I've tried everything to solve this quandry--short sleeved shirts, less blankets, going pantless to bed (I may have just made this awkward for everyone, but it's surprisingly comfortable. I won't apologize for that.), sleeping with my hair up, closing my heater vent (actually, it closes by itself. I have to tape it to get it to stay open, but that's just a lot of work), leaving my door open--but to no avail. I guess I'm just a gross, sweaty sleeper. SORRY FUTURE HUSBAND.

Besides my painting, I've also been working on an installation piece that I'm super excited about. I've always loved installation art. What's not to love?? My 3D art class at Utah State first got me interested in installation pieces, and more recently, I've been really inspired by window displays, particularly those of Anthropologie. Have you seen those masterpieces???

 Aren't those gorgeous??? I'm especially in love with the yellow butterfly dress. I think designing and making window displays for them would be THE BEST job ever! Oh glory, if I could get a job like that, I'd be ecstatic for the rest of my life! So if anyone knows someone who knows someone in this business.....hook a sister up!! I'm.....really serious about that.

Anyway, I've done a few installation pieces in the past--some worked, some exploded--but I'm trying again, this time with paper. I'll show you when it's finished, assuming it works out.

I'm going to go eat white chicken chili (it took me 5 minutes to get the right spelling of chili).

Stay full.

xoxox

Saralyn

Late night sketch

Another Change

When I get dressed in the morning, I usually go through three or four different outfits before I find the one that I like. That includes shoes, earrings, and sometimes socks.
In my apartment in Logan, I changed the decor and furniture placement at least once a month.
My ipod goes through a brutal shuffling before I find a song I like, and then I usually change it before it has finished.

My point is this: I change and rearrange until I find something that works, or that I like. Sometimes it takes a while for me to get there. Example A: This blog. It has undergone so many different looks and names, the poor thing. Talk about identity crisis. But I think I've finally stumbled upon something that I like.

The Presence of Wonder as a title worked for a while, but let's get real: it sounds pretentious. Living Awake was misleading, since I spend most of my time sleeping. Living Asleep would be more accurate, but it's confusing and dreary.

Crooked Arrows may seem pretty random, but it's actually quite perfect. Here's why:

When I was younger, my nose was a magnet for all things hard and potentially dangerous. I fell onto my driveway and broke my nose when I was 8 or 9, and once I got started, I just couldn't stop. I got hit in the face with a football, a tetherball, and someone's head, I ran into the only hard part of the couch, and I gave the pavement a few high-fives with my face. My nose was pretty messed up. It was decided that I would have surgery when I was 16 or older, so I would be mostly finished with the growing process.
Due to my bent and out of shape nose, my Grandpa and Uncle graciously came up with a new name for me: crooked arrow. So for 10 years or so, I was crooked arrow, queen of not being able to breathe through my nose.

Arrows are perfectly straight, designed to fly true and hit the intended target. But over time, arrows can warp or get bent out of shape. When released, these crooked arrows fly haphazardly, with no clear direction or target. 

I have quite a few crooked arrows in my quiver of life--things that happened that I didn't expect or want to happen. Depression, anxiety, health issues, etc. This blog is sort of a chronicle of my experiences as I encounter and deal with these crooked, bent arrows among the straight, finely crafted ones. I get lost. I end up miles away from my target. I make stupid decisions. But the more I deal with these misshapen arrows, the more I'll understand how to handle and manipulate them until eventually, I'll be able to hit dead center on the target. Bulls-eye.

So there you have it. Same old author, same old blog, new name, new look.

Have a good Sunday, kids. 

xoxo

Saralyn

Pages from my sketchbook

Lately I've been trying something new: drawing without references. It's rather difficult for me, because apparently I don't believe that I can draw anything correctly without a reference. It's been cool to find out that once I stop doubting myself and just let my pencil do what it wants, I can whip out some pretty okay sketches. In order for my art to really be from my whole soul (cheesy, but let's go with it), I have to do it completely for myself, without any intention of sharing it. Once I do that, I can let go of the fears and doubts about whether or not people will like my work. 

But anyway. Here are some sketches, done reference-free.