Imparfait

This post is part of an effort to improve myself. I'd really rather write about unicorn pillow pets or going gluten free than what I'm about to write about. But I feel like I really need to do this, so....yeah. Sighhhhhh. Here goes.

I am quite obviously not a perfect person. But I feel like I should be. I put so much pressure on myself to be the best I can be-and to me, the best is perfection. I know perfection is impossible, and I don't expect it from anyone else--just me. I hate to have others see my weaknesses. I hate seeming weak, or like I gave up. I feel like I should be able to overcome my weaknesses by myself; that that's what Heavenly Father expects of me. 

The other day, this scripture was brought to my attention. I've read it a million times, but I've never really grasped the meaning. It's Ether 12: 27:

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." 

Heavenly Father gave me these weaknesses, so He's not disappointed that I have weaknesses--because He gave them to me! He knows I will never be perfect in this world, and He loves me anyway! I can only overcome my weaknesses by asking Him for help, and I may not overcome them all in this life. I've heard all this before in church a zillion times, but I guess it never really penetrated my brain until now.

So the following list is me, admitting that I have weaknesses. (Conceited much?) It's not a list of my sins or anything like that, it's just....stuff. I dunno. You don't have to read it. I wouldn't. It's boring.

---haha, this is hilarious. I'm trying to make a list of some of my shortcomings, and I can't think of any. I blame my stomach. When it's growling, I can't concentrate on anything else.

-I'm pretty selfish most of the time.

Shellfish.

-I'm quite stubborn. This can be a good thing sometimes. When I decide to accomplish something, nothing can deter me. I refuse to believe that it can't be done--I want to prove everyone wrong. That's another big weakness of mine: pride.

Pride. I'm so clever.

-I'm working on this one, but I could certainly have more patience.

Patience. Patients. I am hilarious.

The fact that this post is hard for me to write and share is exactly why I need to write and share it. It's difficult to have my eyes opened to my imperfections. Not that I ever thought I was perfect, I just wanted to put up a strong, exemplary front, because if I showed weakness, I would be disappointing everyone as well as myself and Heavenly Father. Yeah....my thinking is a little messed up. But I'm trying to fix it. It will take a while for sure. Hecks, I could only admit 3 or 4 shortcomings, because I really don't want anyone to know that I'm actually human and completely imperfect. And the ones I listed are pretty general.....As I said, it will take a while. A long while. But I'd like to become better, and one way to get there is to squash my pride and fear. So. Um...I've got no conclusion to offer. 

Welcome to #J303.

My apartment is great. Lots of storage room, 2 bathrooms, a larger than average kitchen, a balcony, etc. Yesterday, it decided to explode around me. Here is the sad tale of an apartment in need.

After a day of work and babysitting, I found myself alone in my apartment for a few hours. Alone, except for the overflowing garbage, dishes in the sink, stinky washrags, crumbs and bits of fluff on the floor, shoes and coats strewn about, and art supplies placed haphazardly around the room. I found a reserve of energy within myself, and started cleaning--which I actually like doing, most of the time. I started with the dishes, and everything was going fine. I was almost finished when the faucet decided to vomit water into my face. Apparently I did something to offend it, because it got me right in the retinas. It also got the opposite wall, the floor, the oven, and the counter behind the sink. Naturally, I screamed like a little baby girl riding on a hyena, who is also screaming. Being the talented handyman that I am, I googled how to fix a spraying faucet, thinking that it would be an easy fix. One solution said something about taking the top off, finding the o-ring, blah blah. SOOOO, I took a screwdriver to the top handle part of the faucet so I could pry it off, which was supposed to be the easy part. Trying to pry off the top just made the handle go up, turning on the faucet. Direct hit! My face, inches away from the faucet, got a full blast of water.  Dear Brain: WHERE THE HECK WERE YOU?  I'm not going to play plumber anymore. Ever.

After I dried off my face and entire person, I decided to vacuum the living room. I was vacuuming and vacuuming, but it didn't seem to be doing anything. I examined the underside of the vacuum, and saw some black rubber thing sticking out near the spinning brush thingies. I tugged on it, and out came a piece of the vacuum. If it wasn't broken before, it is now! In the end I became a human vacuum, and picked up crumbs and fluff from off the floor on my hands and knees. 

I guess I need to change my earlier statement. My apartment didn't explode around me, I exploded around my apartment. Now we have to get water from the bathroom to wash our dishes. And our floor will probably remain crummy for quite some time. Oh, and we don't have a couch anymore, because an old roommate came and collected her couch, and we haven't gotten around to making our pallet couch yet. But the floor is carpeted, and with a pillow against the wall, it's really not so bad. Also: our table is covered with art stuff, so you can't eat on it, unless you don't mind bits of paint and dirty water in your food. So, if you ever wanted to come visit me, now is the time!!! 

I don't have a title for this one. Make one up yourself.

I'm obsessed with art. And it's kind of messing with my most of me. I'm not sleeping very well, because I have hundreds of ideas pummeling my brain every second. I'm having a hard time focusing on school, because I have so many art-related projects I need and want to get done. When I'm in the zone, the only thing I focus on is what I'm creating. So I don't notice my stomach growling like a ferocious she-bear, or the fact that my bladder is over-due for a certain calling. Thus, when I finally do step back from my work, my bladder explodes, then implodes, and my stomach eats itself and any unlucky bystanders, including the wimpy rat-dog hybrid that lives next door. (He/she/it deserves to be eaten. It poops all over, and do you know how hard it is to see rat poop when you're walking across the grass at night? YEAH.)

I love creating things, and Heavenly Father has blessed me with lots of ideas. I just don't know how to balance anything right now. I have this constant urge to be creating something (but not children. obbbviously.), and when I'm doing art-related things, I forget everything that is worrying me, everyone that is in contact with me, and every stupid rat-dog that poops around my apartment. Unfortunately, when I return to reality, my worries increase tenfold because I have less time than before to get things done. OH THE PAIN OF BEING AN ARTISTIC GENIUS!! heh, just kidding.   .....but really.

This post really doesn't benefit anyone but me. Writing is a release for me, and it helps me with....stuff. So. Here are some fantastic fotos to benefit mankind. 

They should sell these at college campuses. They'd sell like wildfire.

The following pictures are the work of Josie Portillo, an amazing illustrator. She uses gouache, which has to be a lie, because there is no possible way to make gouache paint look that flat and uniform. It's seriously impossible. GUUHHH SHE'S AMAZING! I love her stuff. 

It's Harry Potter!!!!!!

She puts UFOs in a lot of her stuff. So random, so kewl.

Josie Portillo, I salute you. FOOD TIME. Looks like I'm having corn and kool-aid--which is one of my favorite meals. True story.

Sky blues

This post has everything to do with the sky, and nothing to do with the blues. It's inspiration day! It is so beautiful in Logan right now- it almost feels like spring! How fitting, seeing as spring break is upon us. YAY SPRING BREAK!!! I'm just a little excited. 

Anyway, the sky is my inspiration for today. Enjoy!

I love the sky on rainy days. And this ship is awesome.

Balloons in the sky seem to be a good representation of childhood.

I LOVE this picture! I want a giant copy of this. I also want a giant bouncy house--as big as a castle.

This is a Lenticular cloud somewhere over the Rockies. Cool, eh?

Mom. Do you love this? Because I sure do. That blue is gorgeous. It reminds me of  a crisp spring day, when the sky is a perfect shade of blue.

The cloud roooom!! This is what the inside of a cloud looks like.

2 Years

You know the saying, "You'll look back on this and laugh"? Most of the time I find that's pretty true.

One time I was making cookies at home, and instead of putting in 2 cubes of butter, I put in 2 cups. Four cubes of butter. I thought it was a little excessive, but I dismissed that thought and continued making the cookies. When I tasted the dough, it tasted like straight butter. Surprise! I asked my mom's opinion on these strange cookies, and she soon learned that I had put 2 cups of butter into the dough. She laughed heartily, for quite some time. In fact, I seem to remember that she had a hard time breathing because she was laughing so hard. Being a moody adolescent, I was not amused. Actually, I think I started crying. But now I too can laugh heartily about that event.

Another time I was making a cake of some sort, and I dropped the measuring cup into the mixer. A horrendous noise ripped through the air, and the measuring cup was....no more. Hilarious.

There's one event that I have a hard time laughing at. THE CAR CRASH. That's right folks, it's been 2 years, and it's time for a little trip down memory lane. 

Some things about that crash amuse me, and it's not a completely serious and horrible memory. But I never want to be in a crash like that again. Every time I'm in a car and it jerks a little, I tense up and my heart speeds up. I think that memory flashes into my mind every time I get in a vehicle, whether I remember it for a split second or a few minutes. I don't know about the other girls, but I still have a pretty big fear of getting in another crash. I'm not scared of driving or of getting in vehicles, and for the most part I don't dwell on the images and sounds of the crash when they come. 

Although this memory is definitely not one of my favorites, I benefited a lot from what happened. I learned more about angels, the importance of people over things, miracles, fear, courage, patience, empathy, and sagebrush. I learned a lot about sagebrush--how could I not with it shoved up into my face for several minutes? They've got some nice sagebrush in Idaho. It's very plentiful and....sagey. Oh, and I also found out that my dad can eat chicken drumsticks while driving a suburban down the highway. Raw talent. 

Next week is spring break, and I realized that I'm having some anxiety about it. I'm going down to Vegas and a beach in California for the week with some of my family, and I have this quiet little fear that we are going to crash. That's a long stretch of road--plenty of opportunities for an accident. I try to push this thought out of my head, and for the most part I'm just supersupersuperSUPER excited to go to the beach! But, I'm human, and I have fears when I should have faith. 

Solitude, Nubs, and Meatballs.

I talk a lot about running away and living by myself in the mountains. It's mostly just talk, but I've never wanted to really run away more than I have in the past week and a half. Running seems to be my default. When something isn't going right in my life, or when I'm in an uncomfortable, crazy situation, my head yells at me to run, and my body starts feeling like it will explode if I don't get out of there quick.

Does civilization ever just get to you? Do you ever feel like if you have to interact with another human being you will implode? Maybe that's just me...Anyway, this past week and half I wanted to get lost in Logan Canyon, find a nice little cave, and perhaps ask a wolf pack if they would accept me as one of their own. I would love to camp out in the mountains by myself for a while. Imagine how much you could learn about yourself and this amazing earth! One day, I'm going to do it. Actually, I've decided: I'm going to do it this summer. I feel that it's just something I need to do. Oh man, now I can't wait for summer! 

This is my, "I love nature" photo. 

On another note: I have the best parents ever, and that is the truest statement I have ever made. They came up to Logan last night, and they got me laughing when nothing else could. My dad got a free white dress shirt, but apparently it was made for nub-armed nellies, because when he stretched his arms out, the sleeves did not go along for the ride. Now, my dad has short arms, but the only person who has short enough arms to fit that shirt is this guy right here:

My parents went to a banquet up here last night, and I think someone spiked their drinks, because they were coming up with the most hilarious things. I told my mom I didn't know what kind of cake I wanted for my upcoming birthday, and she said I wasn't limited to cakes. I could have a birthday noodle! I do love noodles. Just stick a candle in one o' those slimy guys, and voila! A perfect cake. My dad's suggestion was a birthday meatball. So, I went searching for a birthday cake that was either made of noodles or meatballs, and I found that a lot of people like to name their ugly dogs "Meatball."

Awwwwwww!!!

But then, I found the best cake ever, one that combines meatballs and noodles.

I know, right?!?!

So, there you go mom and dad. Your ideas have become a reality.
I wanted to put a picture of my wonderful parents on here, but I don't think they are super gung-ho about having their pictures on the internetsss..... but I did it anyway. So here they are.

Actually, this picture isn't too far off....