The Truth About Fear (part 1)

I've recently come to the realization that fear is my comfort zone.

As far back as I can remember, fear has played a sizable role in my life. When I was little, I would wake up in the middle of the night and run into my mom and dad's room. My mom would ask me what I was afraid of, but I could never come up with an answer. I didn't know what I was afraid of--I was just afraid. 

Every track and field meet: anxious and afraid.

When asked to pair up in class: not happening.

Every debate tournament: fear.

Dating: kill me first.

Singles ward activities: terrified.

Going to sleep: during the day? GREAT! At night? Please no.

Gaining weight: debilitating fear.

Having anxiety means having fear. And for me, fear is safe. It saves me from new, uncomfortable, scary situations. It keeps me from experiencing amazing things, but it keeps me comfortable. 

I have moments of courage, times when I push my fear away and refuse to let it control me. Lately, however, I seem to be giving in more and more. It's not a great feeling to admit that at 25 years old, I am afraid of human interaction, of new situations, of being uncomfortable, and a host of other things. 

Social things are the worst right now. In my singles ward, I don't talk to people. I follow my brother around like a lost puppy. When he leaves for school this week, I'll be alone, and that terrifies me. I'm not a great conversationalist, and I don't share things about myself with strangers willingly. I don't want people to come sit by me when I'm sitting alone. They think they are being nice, but the nice thing would be to pretend like I don't exist.  

When Landon was around, we would go out and do things. We went to a few parties that our co-workers were throwing, and it was fine. I mean, I mostly sat in the corner and watched Landon converse with people, but I wasn't anxious or scared. Any new situation is fine, as long as I have Landon, or someone else I know really well, with me. But on my own? Not happening. 

I've recently learned (thanks a lot, therapy) that I depend on 1 person at a time for my social well-being. Most people put their dependence and trust in multiple people --friends, family members, etc. I put ALL of my trust in 1 person at a time. And when that person is no longer available--say, if they leave for 2 years--I fall apart. It's not that I don't trust or depend on other people. I trust my family and close friends, but I make 1 person my safe zone. It's not really fair or healthy....and I've been doing it my whole life. 

Anxiety-induced fear is odd. You know that fight or flight thing that everyone has? My body triggers that response all the time for the stupidest things. My adrenaline spikes and my brain speeds up, trying to figure out what the best course of action is. My solution is almost always to run, but I can't really run from a notice in the mail about an overdraft fee. I can't run away from sleeping, or eating, or talking to people. So I just freak out mentally, and get really, REALLY tired when my adrenaline stops pumping. Thus the all-day naps. 

Fear is my biggest hurdle, my achilles heel, if you will. You know how Solomon asked the Lord for the gift of wisdom? I would ask for courage. I've wished that I could be more courageous my whole life. I've been brave at times, but I think being brave and being courageous are two very different things. 

A Leap into the Dark

Two posts in one day. Don't get used to it.

I've been working at REI for almost three years. I've learned some awesome things, had lots of fun, met some amazing people, found my honey, and landed some sweet deals. Lately, however, work has been frustrating and anxiety-producing. I've been searching for a new job for months, feeling that my time at REI has long been over. My search has proved fruitless, however, and I have been growing increasingly frustrated and confused. I felt that it was time to quit REI. I knew that Heavenly Father was telling me it was time to move on. But I couldn't find anything to move on to. 

I was searching through jobs from 7 different job sites nearly every day. I applied to many, and got nothing in return. A couple days ago, I had a panic attack while at work. I used to get panic attacks a lot as a kid, but they come few and far between now. So it was surprising to me that I had one, especially since I know everyone at work, have been there a zillion times, and am comfortable with what I do there. 

Long story short, that same night I wrote up my two weeks notice. I turned it in yesterday, and now have only a few days left (well, it's a little more than a few days) at REI. 

Great news, right? Yes! Except for one little thing: I DON'T HAVE ANOTHER JOB LINED UP. At least, not the typical, go to work, get paid, come home job. The reason I haven't quit before now is because I didn't have another job to go to. I've been taught that you don't quit your current job until you find a new one. It makes total sense. I didn't want to be without a job. I have bills to pay, and the thought of not being able to pay them gives me mega anxiety. 

That's why I was so surprised when I felt good about quitting. Everything pointed to leaving REI and instead working on my art. Yep, that's my income plan: art. As you can see, it's very detailed and specific. Airtight. A dependable income. .....   ................

Quite frankly, I'm a little terrified. I have no idea what I'm doing. I've been doing research and learning all that I can about making a profit through art, but I'm still so brand new to all of this. Self-employed at 25, with only a meager associates degree and no real business know-how? Sounds NUTS! It IS nuts! 

My immediate future is pretty dark. I don't know how all of this will happen. But I do know that it's time for me to take a step, or in this case, a leap, into the unknown, and let God lead me. This whole faith thing is terrifying. I hate not having a set plan. But I feel that Heavenly Father has led me to this decision. And I'm doing my best to follow His plan for me. 

So, if any of y'all need art of any kind, I'm happy to help! Actually, I'm desperate. DESPERATE TO HELP! I still have a lot of things to work out, and my planning has actually been going pretty well. But heaven knows I need all the help I can get. I'm in the process of creating a website, so I'll post that on here for the two people that read this when it's finished. 

I'll most likely become a shut-in with this business venture of mine. Translucent skin, permanent paint stains, no social manners to speak of, etc. It's coming. And I'm not one bit mad. 

A Leap into the Light

This past Wednesday was crazy. 

I woke up to a text from my brother-in-law, saying his cute little family was stranded in Beaver. Their "new" car broke down on the way home from California, and they had had an awful night of cold, so many car problems, and a janky hotel.  My parents and I scrambled to find a way to help them, finally landing upon my brother, who was able to take work off and drive down to rescue them. 

MEANWHILE..... I dropped my Mom off at work, then drove to Bountiful to take care of my sister's dog and tidy up a bit. From there, I drove to Farmington to pick up something from the alteration lady. I flew home, showered, drove to my Mom's work to pick her up, flew back home, got dressed and ready, and then my Mom and I headed back to Bountiful.

All this crazy stuff happened on the day that I was going to the temple, to receive my endowments. Ha, it was the craziest of days! But once we were at the temple, after my nerves had settled, I found so much peace and calm. My brother made it back from Beaver in time to attend, along with other members of my family. 

I never planned on going through the temple until I was about to be married. I remember, when I was younger, thinking that I would never go through the temple before marriage, because I wanted to wait as long as I possibly could before I had to wear the restricting garments. 

Oh how misguided and wrong I was. 

The temple was beautiful. It was peace, it was light, it was a bit confusing, it was beautiful. I still didn't feel like I was 100% ready to go through the temple. And I still kind of feel that way. But I don't think I will ever feel 100% ready. Do we ever feel completely ready for the things life throws at us? We have to be willing to try, and to progress, even though we may feel inadequate.

And can I just say, I LOVE wearing garments!!!!! I love them for so many reasons, one of which being that they are actually quite comfy. 

One of my sweet sisters sent me a book (and lots of candy which I consumed in a matter of days) by Wendy Watson Nelson called Covenant Keepers. It talks about covenants and the power they can have in our lives. One of my favorite quotes says,

"Making covenants with God calls forth the divine within us. Keeping our covenants with God allows Him to pour His divine power into us." 

What a beautiful thing to consider. We all have divine within ourselves, and that divinity can be magnified through God as we keep our covenants. And I'm not just talking about temple covenants. We all made covenants at baptism, and we make promises when we take the Sacrament. We can have that divine power within us at all times! 

Going through the temple was what I needed. But I still have so, so, SO much to work on and improve upon. (Number one probably being my candy consumption....) This Gospel truly is a Gospel of light and joy. Heavenly Father has provided a clear way back to Him. I believe that He misses us, and is eagerly awaiting our return. Mistakes happen to us all. We take one step forward and two steps back. But there is ALWAYS a return path, always someone who is waiting to help us back. And I am indeed grateful for that.

Feelings are my jam

I have a theory about emotions. 

We're spiritual beings having an earthly, mortal experience. The details from our pre-Earth life have been hidden from our view so we can learn and grow and prove ourselves and such. My theory is that when emotions are involved, some portion of the spirit world peeks out from behind the veil and gives us a brief taste of our heavenly home.

It's a common scenario: you try to explain the depth of your emotions to a friend or family member, but find that there are no words to describe what you are feeling. "I can't explain it...." Some people use that when describing the first time they felt, and realized they were feeling, the presence of the Holy Ghost. It's something that has no true description. Yeah, there are the usual descriptive words: peace, comfort, calm, a warm blanket, etc. But it goes beyond that. 

Words that describe emotions feel very superficial to me. They seem to barely hit the surface of what we are truly feeling. Strong emotions come, and we try to label them in an effort to understand them. But we don't have the vocabulary. We are dictionaries with half the pages missing! Our human bodies, I believe, aren't capable of handling the intense emotions of the spirit world--thus, we are stuck with crazy, complicated, sometimes messy human emotions. However, because we are spirits in human bodies, we do get glimpses of those powerful emotions. And when they come, they are overwhelming. ALL THE FEELS!!!

I think that when we return to the spirit world, after all is said and done, we'll be surprised at the range of emotions we are able to experience--some of which we may only have felt at brief moments while on Earth. We've heard before that our tiny human understanding can't even begin to comprehend the beauty and majesty that awaits us on the other side--that even the lesser of the three kingdoms is more beautiful than we can imagine. Would that not apply to emotions as well? 

Think of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. We can't even begin to comprehend the love they have for each of us. Love is a super powerful emotion for us right NOW--imagine the magnitude of love that must be present in the heavens! Ain't no imagining, because we're dang old humans!!! And if love is that crazy strong, what will joy be like? AHHH!!!! I CAN'T EVEN!!!

Anyway. I think it's cool, those surges of emotion that I can't quite comprehend. It's like a quick-step beyond the veil, a little "hey-o!" to the homeboys in the spirit world. Neat.

What I've Learned from a Broken Heart

Last Valentine's Day, I was on a plane leaving Texas, balling my baby eyes out as I left my best friend, Landon Badoni.

This Valentine's Day, I'll be doing something I'm sure (ain't nobody plans that far ahead), missing that same best friend who is currently serving a mission.

Life though.

Some basic facts about Landon:

1. He's from Texas, and he's a VERY proud Texan. I mean, he carved the state of Texas into his pumpkin on Halloween one year. Seriously, don't ask him about it. 

2. He's half-Navajo, so he has perfectly tanned skin, and can only grow a maximum of 3 facial hairs. He's really proud of those three hairs.

3. He is very passionate about the military, service, and the Boy Scouts of America (not the church boy scouts). He does leadership training courses at the Philmont Scout Ranch, which is this huge place and it's a big deal and that's all I really know about it. 

4. He loves REI. Well...he used to. I don't know if he loves it as much now that he's worked there. He told me one time that working at REI was on his bucket list. Get a new bucket list.

5. He loves little kids, his family, and the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

6. He is 3 years and 6 months younger than me. It was weird for a minute. And then it wasn't.

7. Sleep comes at him like a ninja. He can fall asleep anywhere, anytime. In the middle of a conversation, sitting up in a chair, at a party--it's nuts. Slightly annoying. But mostly funny.

I met Landon at work, and he asked me on a date 2.5 months later. (We went to an art museum. This kid does his homework!) Two months after that, we were officially dating, which, for me, is essentially a miracle. I don't date, never had a boyfriend, terrified of relationships, how the hecks does anyone even get married, self-reliant feminist all the way, yadda yadda.

Somehow, Landon weaseled his way past my barriers and defenses, my anxieties and fears, and got me to trust him implicitly. I found that I was more myself around him than I had ever been, and that he truly loved me---the good, the bad, the ugly, the stinky--all of me. He became my best friend. 

With my anxiety, I have this constant urge to get home, even when I'm visiting my sisters or good friends. It makes me antsy, being away from home. But that never happened with Landon. For me, that was a miracle. And a sign of sorts, I suppose. 

I fought Heavenly Father a lot, at the beginning. After all, Landon was younger than me, and although he never said anything about it, I was pretty sure that he hadn't gone on a mission, and that he probably would want to at some point. That's a major deal breaker.

A brief note: I saw my sisters and friends go through the whole sending out a missionary thing, and I wanted absolutely NO part of it. I promised myself that I was not going to be THAT girl. I thought that at the age of 23, I didn't have to worry about it anymore. Set.

Landon and I dated for almost a year and a half before he left on his mission. I learned a lot during that time, and had some of the best experiences I've ever had. But I have learned so much more with him being gone. 

Hear me out.

When Landon left, I basically fell apart. My family can attest to that, no doubt. I thought I had experienced heartache before, but it was nothing compared to what I was feeling. I remember countless nights of crying so hard my chest hurt, snot and tears and drool coming out of my face (so real). I felt like part of me was missing, and in essence, it was. I felt lonely, homesick, sad, heartbroken, depressed, etc. But mostly, I was confused and somewhat angry. 

After all that has happened in my life, after all the crazy things, when I FINALLY meet someone who loves me completely, and who I want to spend the rest of my life with, HE GOES ON A FREAKING MISSION. (Don't hate, I think missions are great. But....come on.)

It has been a rough 5 months since he left. I miss him like crazy, and I still have nights full of tears. But I think I'm finally beginning to understand why I need this.

First of all, I'm incredibly selfish. Ain't no lie. Landon wanted to go on a mission so badly, and for a while there he thought he wouldn't be able to go. I knew how much it meant to him, and how hard he worked to get out in the field. But I still wanted him to stay. I did my best to support him, but inwardly I was hoping and hoping that he wouldn't be able to go. The worst, I know.

It didn't take long for me to realize that Landon LOVES being a missionary. He absolutely loves it. In all his pictures he looks so incredibly happy, and he always writes about how amazing it is to be serving the Lord. He is happy--and I wanted to take that away from him. Once I figured that out, I realized what a selfish butt I've been. Which brings me to the second thing I've learned: selfless love.

I'm reading Jesus the Christ for the first time, and my mind has been blown into a million pieces. IT'S JUST SO GOOD! I recently read about our Lord's suffering in Gethsemane, His completely unfair and illegal trial, and His final moments on the cross. Talk about selfless love. His was the ultimate pain and suffering. He experienced every awful, unimaginable thing so that mankind could find happiness in this life, and the life to come. Selfless, unconditional love. That is what I was missing.

Was I capable of wanting the happiness of someone else, even if it meant heartache for me? Could I truly say that I was happy for Landon, or would I be pouty and poopy about him being gone?

The next learning experience came from an inspired counselor. I told her about how hard and painful it was without Landon, and how I wanted the pain to go away. She told me that asking Heavenly Father to take away the pain I was feeling was asking Him to take away my depth of love for Landon. BLAM. It seems like such a simple concept, but it was something I had never thought of. She also told me that wisdom is healed pain. I LOVE that, so I'mma type it again: Wisdom is healed pain.

One night, I decided that it was time for a heart to heart with my Father in Heaven. He was going to hear me out, dangit, and He was going to tell me why I had to go through this. It went down just like that.....more or less.

I prayed for a while, and then I decided to sit and listen. I grabbed a notebook and began to write down any thoughts or impressions I had. Suddenly KAZOO. A flood of thoughts filled my brain, and I was scrambling to get everything written down. I've never had an experience like that--mostly because I don't take the time to listen. It was amazing. I still don't know the exact reason behind why I have to endure 2 years without my honey. But I do know that there is a reason, and that it's going to be okay. Had it not been for Landon leaving and the subsequent sorrow and frustration, I probably wouldn't have taken the time to have a real conversation with my Father. I wouldn't have learned that I really can receive specific, personal revelation.

Heavenly Father does it again, that sly fox. He has showed me that His plan is, once again, the best plan. It's definitely not the easiest one, but it is the best one.

I'm one thousand percent certain that I still have a lot left to learn. But at least I'm finally learning, instead of pouting like a baby girl and throwing a fit, refusing to listen to anyone that tries to help.  Hopefully I can continue to humble myself and become a better person. It's a work in progress.

SO EXCITED! He's always so excited.

That's my SoCal beach bum missionary on the left.