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"I don't have to exist outside this place."
Saralyn Goodspeed, Feb. 2014
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Valentine's Day
For most people, Valentine's Day is one of two things: a happy day filled with romance, chocolates, and flowers, or a day for bitter hearts to mope around and overdose on chocolate while lamenting their single status.
Valentine's Day is neither of those things for me. I've always loved Vamlumtimes. (Mostly because this holiday has the best candy. Conversation hearts. I could eat them all day. And I did. Do.)
This year, my Valentine's Day was pretty special. I went to work, had a pretty fun time there, and then went home and sketched while listening to some tunes. Nothing special, but I was happy all day. At home, while in the bathroom, I looked in the mirror and out of nowhere, I realized that the face I was seeing was happy.
I've been emotionally numb for about a year or so, not really feeling anything or caring about anything. I pretended to have emotions, I put on this great facade, but really I felt empty and my spirit seemed to be hibernating. Church and Gospel-related things have been extremely difficult for me for the past year, because I never felt the Holy Ghost, and I felt like everything was a waste of time. I made some pretty serious mistakes, but didn't repent because I didn't care. I couldn't make myself feel guilty, and I was never happy. I was just an empty shell.
*I'd like to be honest and open about something, if that's alright. I hate letting people see my flaws and mistakes, but I guess the best way to get over my perfectionist tendencies is to share some of those mistakes. So here goes. (Deep breath. Sharing this is super, really, extremely hard for me.)*
During this emotionless, numb, shady time in my life, I got into some trouble with a boy. Because I didn't care about anything, I didn't try to change the situation. I didn't feel guilt, I didn't feel sorrow, and I honestly didn't care that I was doing things I'd been taught not to do my whole life. Things eventually stopped with this boy (by default, not by any change of mind or behavior on my part), and I thought that perhaps I would be able to feel something since I had stopped misbehaving. But I didn't feel anything at all. So, instead of letting go of my sin and seeking forgiveness, I decided to carry it with me like an albatross around my neck, thinking that if I punished myself with it, eventually I'd feel guilt. I felt that I deserved this burden, because I had been doing so horrible in regard to church stuff.
As I was looking in the mirror on Valentine's Day, something in me changed, and I decided to let go of this mistake and work on improving my life. And then, KABLAM! It was like a bomb went off in my head and heart, and at that moment the numb pain I had been experiencing for more than a year disappeared. I felt a huge weight lift off me, all kinds of emotions poured into my heart, and my sad little spirit woke up. I was happy! I jumped up and did a little dance, right there in the bathroom. I went back to the couch and continued to draw. My Mom came in the room at some point, and I got out a few words--something like, "I'm so happy!"--before I dissolved into a puddle of tears.
I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt happy, sad, excited--anything. I felt like my spirit, my personality, and everything that made me "me" had been hibernating for months and months. When it finally came out, I couldn't contain myself. I cried and cried, letting the feelings wash over me, relishing the feeling of feeling. It was a weird sensation, feeling joy and happiness and lightness of heart. I felt hope!
Sometimes I send texts to myself, to remind me of things that happened or thoughts I had, so I can later share them with my therapist if I need to. This was the text I sent myself that night:
"I FEEEL!!!! I feel happy! I was finally able to let go.......I feel lighter, like a burden is lifted. I honestly can't remember the last time I felt anything, let alone happiness. I want to talk to the bishop, I want to repent, I want to be better. I want a better relationship with Heavenly Father. My spirit is free!! I feel like myself again!! I know I still have so much to work on, but I FEEL and I have HOPE!"
There is still so much I struggle with, and I know that the numbness will come and go, and I'll slip up again and again. But I finally have hope, and I remember why I'm here and who I am. I have a desire to improve my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I'm completely happy with being single, and I'm ready and willing to make changes in my life. The funny thing is that I don't really feel a lot of guilt or sorrow like I thought I would. The slip-ups with that boy were serious, and while it was wrong, I think it was something that needed to happen. I've learned so much about myself and the Gospel and life through this particular stumbling block. I'm sad that what I did caused Christ to suffer, but I don't feel crushing guilt or extreme sorrow. I just feel a strong desire to change and improve so that I don't cause Him any more pain. This Gospel is amazing. I can't even explain the hope and joy I feel. I LOVE THIS!!! I love feeling! I love that I can change, and that I have the truth.
I hope that I can hold on to this feeling for a while. It's easy to write about changing and improving, but it's oh so much harder to perform. I'm an extremely prideful human being with depression and anxiety, which means that I'll mess up and sin and make mistakes and fall back into the darkness again and again. But maybe, when the numbness does come around, I'll be able to look back on this and find my way out.
I hope you had a beautiful Valentine's Day, full of love and chalky conversation hearts. I'm going to eat some animal cookies and probs watch Adventure Time now. I should really go to bed.........nah. I'll sleep later, it ain't no thang.
PS: Sorry no pictures. Ain't nobody got time fo'dat!
Valentine's Day is neither of those things for me. I've always loved Vamlumtimes. (Mostly because this holiday has the best candy. Conversation hearts. I could eat them all day. And I did. Do.)
This year, my Valentine's Day was pretty special. I went to work, had a pretty fun time there, and then went home and sketched while listening to some tunes. Nothing special, but I was happy all day. At home, while in the bathroom, I looked in the mirror and out of nowhere, I realized that the face I was seeing was happy.
I've been emotionally numb for about a year or so, not really feeling anything or caring about anything. I pretended to have emotions, I put on this great facade, but really I felt empty and my spirit seemed to be hibernating. Church and Gospel-related things have been extremely difficult for me for the past year, because I never felt the Holy Ghost, and I felt like everything was a waste of time. I made some pretty serious mistakes, but didn't repent because I didn't care. I couldn't make myself feel guilty, and I was never happy. I was just an empty shell.
*I'd like to be honest and open about something, if that's alright. I hate letting people see my flaws and mistakes, but I guess the best way to get over my perfectionist tendencies is to share some of those mistakes. So here goes. (Deep breath. Sharing this is super, really, extremely hard for me.)*
During this emotionless, numb, shady time in my life, I got into some trouble with a boy. Because I didn't care about anything, I didn't try to change the situation. I didn't feel guilt, I didn't feel sorrow, and I honestly didn't care that I was doing things I'd been taught not to do my whole life. Things eventually stopped with this boy (by default, not by any change of mind or behavior on my part), and I thought that perhaps I would be able to feel something since I had stopped misbehaving. But I didn't feel anything at all. So, instead of letting go of my sin and seeking forgiveness, I decided to carry it with me like an albatross around my neck, thinking that if I punished myself with it, eventually I'd feel guilt. I felt that I deserved this burden, because I had been doing so horrible in regard to church stuff.
As I was looking in the mirror on Valentine's Day, something in me changed, and I decided to let go of this mistake and work on improving my life. And then, KABLAM! It was like a bomb went off in my head and heart, and at that moment the numb pain I had been experiencing for more than a year disappeared. I felt a huge weight lift off me, all kinds of emotions poured into my heart, and my sad little spirit woke up. I was happy! I jumped up and did a little dance, right there in the bathroom. I went back to the couch and continued to draw. My Mom came in the room at some point, and I got out a few words--something like, "I'm so happy!"--before I dissolved into a puddle of tears.
I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt happy, sad, excited--anything. I felt like my spirit, my personality, and everything that made me "me" had been hibernating for months and months. When it finally came out, I couldn't contain myself. I cried and cried, letting the feelings wash over me, relishing the feeling of feeling. It was a weird sensation, feeling joy and happiness and lightness of heart. I felt hope!
Sometimes I send texts to myself, to remind me of things that happened or thoughts I had, so I can later share them with my therapist if I need to. This was the text I sent myself that night:
"I FEEEL!!!! I feel happy! I was finally able to let go.......I feel lighter, like a burden is lifted. I honestly can't remember the last time I felt anything, let alone happiness. I want to talk to the bishop, I want to repent, I want to be better. I want a better relationship with Heavenly Father. My spirit is free!! I feel like myself again!! I know I still have so much to work on, but I FEEL and I have HOPE!"
There is still so much I struggle with, and I know that the numbness will come and go, and I'll slip up again and again. But I finally have hope, and I remember why I'm here and who I am. I have a desire to improve my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I'm completely happy with being single, and I'm ready and willing to make changes in my life. The funny thing is that I don't really feel a lot of guilt or sorrow like I thought I would. The slip-ups with that boy were serious, and while it was wrong, I think it was something that needed to happen. I've learned so much about myself and the Gospel and life through this particular stumbling block. I'm sad that what I did caused Christ to suffer, but I don't feel crushing guilt or extreme sorrow. I just feel a strong desire to change and improve so that I don't cause Him any more pain. This Gospel is amazing. I can't even explain the hope and joy I feel. I LOVE THIS!!! I love feeling! I love that I can change, and that I have the truth.
I hope that I can hold on to this feeling for a while. It's easy to write about changing and improving, but it's oh so much harder to perform. I'm an extremely prideful human being with depression and anxiety, which means that I'll mess up and sin and make mistakes and fall back into the darkness again and again. But maybe, when the numbness does come around, I'll be able to look back on this and find my way out.
I hope you had a beautiful Valentine's Day, full of love and chalky conversation hearts. I'm going to eat some animal cookies and probs watch Adventure Time now. I should really go to bed.........nah. I'll sleep later, it ain't no thang.
Stay fun like a ferris wheel.
(Personally, I think ferris wheels are terrifying, and not fun. Whatevs.)
xoxo
Saralyn
PS: Sorry no pictures. Ain't nobody got time fo'dat!
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Dope quotes.
"How do I say, "you're the grossest thing ever," without offending you?"
"Nothing's better than throwing a big bag of butter at someone."
"She's totally gross over 90% of her body. The other 10% is crazy nasty."
"Nuts. I'm freakin' all about sugar, but I'm even more about FEEDING HOBOS!"
"That horse is whack with poo-brain."
Adventure Time is pretty much my source for every inspirational quote.
xoxo
Saralyn
652 Things To Draw
I have an awesome book called 652 Things To Draw. It's a bunch of blank pages with random subjects to draw. It's super fun! I thought I'd share some of my drawings from it. Enjoy!!
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a sandwich:
mushrooms:
fangs:
tube socks!
a peg leg:
a helmet:
a ponytail:
a pocket:
a tyrannosaurus rex:
(hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!)
a fairy and a ball of yarn:
a haircut:
(her hairstylist is a ghost, apparently.)
the Sunday paper:
a cleaver:
a kite:
A BOX OF KITTENS.
a tattoo!
chips and dip:
a moustache:
a face full of character:
(ahahahahahahah!)
a ticket:
a mummy:
a spelunker:
a propaganda poster:
(I'm dying. I love this one.)
a bird in the hand:
(what does that even mean?)
a condiment:
It's probably a little tacky that I think my own drawings are funny. Hehhh.....
Stay funky fresh.
xoxox Saralyn
Monday, February 3, 2014
A poem of sorts
Having a cold is horrible.
Having the flu is horrible.
Having the flu and barfing out of both ends while also having a nasty cold is a sick joke.
It's so ridiculous, it's hilarious!
Welcome to my Monday.
Stay healthy.
xoxo Saralyn
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