As far back as I can remember, fear has played a sizable role in my life. When I was little, I would wake up in the middle of the night and run into my mom and dad's room. My mom would ask me what I was afraid of, but I could never come up with an answer. I didn't know what I was afraid of--I was just afraid.
Every track and field meet: anxious and afraid.
When asked to pair up in class: not happening.
Every debate tournament: fear.
Dating: kill me first.
Singles ward activities: terrified.
Going to sleep: during the day? GREAT! At night? Please no.
Gaining weight: debilitating fear.
Having anxiety means having fear. And for me, fear is safe. It saves me from new, uncomfortable, scary situations. It keeps me from experiencing amazing things, but it keeps me comfortable.
I have moments of courage, times when I push my fear away and refuse to let it control me. Lately, however, I seem to be giving in more and more. It's not a great feeling to admit that at 25 years old, I am afraid of human interaction, of new situations, of being uncomfortable, and a host of other things.
Social things are the worst right now. In my singles ward, I don't talk to people. I follow my brother around like a lost puppy. When he leaves for school this week, I'll be alone, and that terrifies me. I'm not a great conversationalist, and I don't share things about myself with strangers willingly. I don't want people to come sit by me when I'm sitting alone. They think they are being nice, but the nice thing would be to pretend like I don't exist.
When Landon was around, we would go out and do things. We went to a few parties that our co-workers were throwing, and it was fine. I mean, I mostly sat in the corner and watched Landon converse with people, but I wasn't anxious or scared. Any new situation is fine, as long as I have Landon, or someone else I know really well, with me. But on my own? Not happening.
I've recently learned (thanks a lot, therapy) that I depend on 1 person at a time for my social well-being. Most people put their dependence and trust in multiple people --friends, family members, etc. I put ALL of my trust in 1 person at a time. And when that person is no longer available--say, if they leave for 2 years--I fall apart. It's not that I don't trust or depend on other people. I trust my family and close friends, but I make 1 person my safe zone. It's not really fair or healthy....and I've been doing it my whole life.
Anxiety-induced fear is odd. You know that fight or flight thing that everyone has? My body triggers that response all the time for the stupidest things. My adrenaline spikes and my brain speeds up, trying to figure out what the best course of action is. My solution is almost always to run, but I can't really run from a notice in the mail about an overdraft fee. I can't run away from sleeping, or eating, or talking to people. So I just freak out mentally, and get really, REALLY tired when my adrenaline stops pumping. Thus the all-day naps.
Fear is my biggest hurdle, my achilles heel, if you will. You know how Solomon asked the Lord for the gift of wisdom? I would ask for courage. I've wished that I could be more courageous my whole life. I've been brave at times, but I think being brave and being courageous are two very different things.
