I had every intention of going to the BATC to get certified in fashion merchandising, but I just couldn't make myself start. I dreaded going, and felt that it wasn't what I wanted or needed to do. I've been having a rough time as of late, worrying and worrying about what direction I should go in life. I have anxiety, so I'm a natural worrier. I'm also a perfectionist, and I hate making mistakes. I've been spending a vast majority of my time being unhappy, because I've been looking for the perfect answer as to what I should do with my life. I wasn't really getting any awesome revelation, despite my prayers. I felt that I was completely unworthy of heavenly guidance or help, because I was trying my hardest but was getting nowhere. I was more frustrated with my life and myself than I ever have been.
I went home a little while ago, and voiced my frustrations, fears, worries, concerns, and a whole lot more to my parents. (My unfortunate mother had to bear the brunt of my tears, constant talking and analyzing. She's an angel.) I honestly don't know what I would do without my parents. On the scale of wise-ness, they are owls. My Dad talked to me about all my worries later that week, and he really helped me out. I decided that a few things needed to change in my life.
The first change: STOP WORRYING! I'm always looking for THE perfect answer: the perfect place to live, the perfect career, the perfect time to change, etc. But as my dad reminded me, there is no perfect answer. (I have to be reminded of that one quite a bit.) God has given me agency, and as much as I would like Him to tell me what to do, He's not going to. He has given me the ability to choose my own path for myself, which is far greater than being told what to do. I made a commitment to myself to stop worrying about the perfect choice, stop worrying about the future, and just relax and live happily.
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| This is hanging on the wall above my bed. Hopefully it will help me remember that life is to be enjoyed. |
Change number two: I'm moving! Logan has been good to me, but it's time to leave. I'm heading back to Kaysville for a while, until I find a new apartment, probably in the Salt Lake area. I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to do once I'm out of Logan, but I feel that it's right to move. I'll miss some things about Logan, especially the mountains. I love the mountains up here so much, especially in the Fall. Most of all, I'll miss my nieces. :( I'm so sad that I can't take them with me! It's been so great living close to my sister and her cute family. She has been so awesome to me, and I love going over to her house. Her girlies light up my day!
Third change (and this is the most exciting one for me): A new job! I found a job that I desperately want. It's in the Uintas, working as a Field Instructor/Mentor to at-risk youth ages 13-17. I would be out in the wilderness, camping, hiking, and teaching wilderness survival to troubled youth. For years I've been living and working only for myself. I think it would be so awesome to be able to have a job that allows me to influence people, and really help them change. Plus, I'd be getting paid to do what I love: explore the mountains!!! I'm praying that I get this job, but if I don't, I know I'll find something else just as exciting.
There's one more change that's coming up in my life, but it's still in the beginning stages. I haven't told anyone about it, because often I get huge ideas, tell everyone because I'm so excited, and then the ideas fizzle out because I lose interest or I find something better. So this one's under wraps. But it's something I've been wanting to do for a long time, and I'm excited to get it started. I'll tell you this much: it involves 5 things that I absolutely love, namely, art, decor, fashion, nature, and books.
Change is hard and scary, but I'm looking forward to these new changes in my life, because it means that I'll be growing and learning even more. Life is just beginning, and I can't wait for more adventures!
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