Wait, Stop, No

This morning I made the mistake of looking up girls I knew from high school via Facebook, just to see where their lives were and what they were doing.

The majority of them are married, and quite a few have at least one child. They are unbelievably gorgeous, have cute husbands, a few have started their own businesses, most are graduated from college or are about to graduate, they have homes that they decorate like homes in magazines, and they have pictures of their travels from all around the world. 

It's the easiest thing in the world for me to look at my life and feel like the biggest loser. I'm not married, I don't have kids, and I certainly don't have my own home. I went to college, but didn't graduate, and I'm not currently in school, nor am I planning on school in any near future. I haven't traveled outside of North America, and I rarely venture out of Utah. I've tried to excel with art, but always seem to fall short--I'm an art enthusiast who wants so badly to do well, but can't quite get there. I'm living at home, working a retail job that I really can't handle anymore. All I ever want to do is sleep, sleep, and sleep nine more times. My room is constantly in disarray, with art supplies, half-finished prints, outdoor gear, and clothes all over the floor, all the time. I hang out with friends once in a blue moon, and I rarely do the outdoor activities I love, like mountain biking, running, or hiking. I still have acne. I see a therapist once or twice a month. I've been working for two years and haven't saved any money worth speaking of. I finally got a boyfriend, but he's three years younger than me, and is currently in Texas, waiting to leave on a mission. I don't finish half the things I start. I have so many grand ideas, but I never follow through. I'm 24, and on paper, I really haven't done anything worth mentioning.

It's easy to compare yourself to others, and have self-pity for your pathetic little life. This morning, when I was about to start rolling my snowball of self-pity, comparison, and shame, my little brain woke up and used on of the tricks I've learned from therapy: STOP. WAIT. NO. 

**(After writing this whole post, I realized that the sequence is actually wait, stop, no, but...I've already written all this stuff....so deal with it. It works both ways.)

STOP.

For one thing, Facebook is great at showing off people when they are at their best. No one (well, mostly no one) posts updates of the fights they had with their spouse, how frustrated they are with their children, how they feel ugly because pregnancy changed their body, pictures of themselves as horrible hags in the morning, worries about money and bills, trouble with in-laws, debt issues because of student loans, etc. Ours is a culture where people try to fool their neighbors and friends into thinking they are without problems or flaws; that they have the perfect marriage, the most adorable and pleasant children, and constant joy and happiness. The church culture in Utah definitely plays a part in this. Relief Society, Elder's Quorum, testimony meeting---full of people who share their best experiences, their greatest moments, their skill at living the principles of the Gospel. Now, I realize that this is not always the case, but in my experience, I see more boastful comments than comments on how someone is really struggling with a certain principle. 

WAIT. 

I may not have graduated, I'm not married, and I don't have an awesome career. But nowhere does it say that you have to graduate, get married, and have an awesome career in order to have a successful, happy life. 

I have struggled with issues that many people don't struggle with. I experienced crippling depression, bouts of suicidal thoughts and actions, and anxiety. I went through suicidal bouts while in college, during finals week of my second semester, again during the summer when I spent most of my time, while not at work, alone at home, desperately trying to stay alive, and a third time after moving back home, after a trying day at work where I made mistake after mistake. For me, coming out of those alive is a feat in and of itself. 

I don't have a successful art career. But I enjoy doing it, and that's really all that matters. I love to create. Not having a full education in art is disappointing, and hurts my technique improvement, but I can still enjoy doing what I love without a degree.

I work retail, which sucks most of the time. But I work stinking hard, and within the realm of outdoor retail in Sandy, I've done a lot. Through my job, I got outside my comfort zone and discovered that being social can actually be rather fun. WHO KNEW???

I've had crazy medical problems relating to my mental health, as well as running injuries. They sucked. But I learned stuff.

I have a boyfriend. Hah, this one may seem silly. But it's actually a HUGE feat for me. I have serious trust issues, for some ridiculous reason, and in previous years, whenever a person of the male gender showed interest, I freaked and pushed them away like they had the mange (some of them very well may have had the mange.....). I had no desire to get close enough for someone to see all my faults and weaknesses (bloody perfectionism). But through divine intervention, and the personality of a mighty fine Texan, I discovered happiness in a relationship. Not to get sappy, buuuuut I love him. SURPRISE!!

Models. It's fine.

It's been a big struggle for me, since I found out he was preparing for a mission. I never wanted to be that girl, the one who sends off a missionary and has two years of agonizing patience, OR becomes involved in hypocritical dating. The latter isn't actually a worry for me, since I don't date. At all. Except once, and he became my boyfriend. Okay, I dated a little. But whatever. 

Most girls, at the age of 24, are past worrying about waiting for a missionary. Well, not me. If the Lord's plan for me involves marrying Landon Badoni, I'll just have to wait until I'm 26 or 27 to experience the blessings of a temple marriage. Based on what Landon wants to do in regards to school and a career, if all goes according to his plan (ha.), he'll be gone more often than he'll be home with me. It's definitely not what I had planned for myself. But plans are bunk anyway. Heavenly Father took one look at my proposed life plans and burst out laughing. 

NO.

The no is this: I'm not going to get down on myself for all the things I haven't accomplished. My life may not seem like the trophy life, and in all honesty, it probably never will. But I have so much to be thankful for. I have things to work on--many, many things. But I guess that's where the one day at a time comes in. Yesterday, I made it to Sacrament meeting and took the Sacrament for the first time in almost a year. Accomplishment. Today, I woke up before eleven and wrote on my blog, something I haven't done in ages. Accomplishment. It's all about the small victories for me. That, and recognizing the Lord's hand in my life, and how much He really blesses me, every day.

Today's second accomplishment will be trying to stay sane while my Grandma watches Judge Judy, the news, toddler cartoons, and infomercials all day. All. Day. 

Judge Judy: "So I read here that your boyfriend is verbally abusive to your cat..."

Entertainment gold right there.

Next time you are tempted to wallow in self-pity, throw on the ole' wait, stop, no! badge and see where it takes you. You might surprise yourself.

xoxo,

Saralyn